Thoughts & Scribbles

Some men, some faces

2009-11-29T17:51:00.000-08:00

There was a man who had two spoons;
One made of gold and the other of steel.
The golden one had classic curves and studded with ruby and emarald
It shone brilliantly and caught everyone's eye.
The steel one had sleek straight lines and some dull white stones
The matt finish added to it's sturdy look.

The man took the steel spoon
and flung it to a corner.
He then picked up the golden one
and put in his pocket, close to his heart.

The brilliance, the artwork, the beautiful red and green
on the yellow backdrop made his eyes well with pride.
He made his dearest golden spoon the mark of his identity
ever looking down upon the steel one with contempt.
Time flew and the spoons lay in their respective places,
one in a corner and the other in the pocket.

One day someone said, 'That's no steel, that's platinum,
the most precious metal on earth!'
Some other said, 'Look at the sleek straight lines, the rare uncut diamonds...
So stylish! so beautiful!!'
Suddenly, the gloss was off
and the matt was in!

The man took out his golden spoon and looked close;
It shined the same, with brilliant yellow and vibrant red & green.
He threw it down and picked up the platinum one -
It did look more precious, more beautiful, more important!

Nothing had changed in the world -
neither the breeze, nor the sun or the moon!
Neither the artwork, nor the stones or the metals
All that changed were some men, some faces!

Indulgence divine

2009-02-13T00:36:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentine's Day!

Eight to go...

2008-06-16T08:24:00.001-07:00

En Samayal Araiyil... (In my kitchen...)

2008-05-11T02:02:00.000-07:00

Pampered myself with this on the lazy weekend...

After trying once before, the corn pulao came out quite good... Oh, and the panner dish was actually PBM that I set out to make, but it's avtar changed to Paneer Makkhanwala towards the end... :D

Whats in the name when the taste makes you forget yourself... right?

TZP magic

2008-03-02T07:43:00.000-08:00

There was gratitude, there was emotion, there was fun, there was innocence, there was caring, there was helplessness, there was anger, there was concern, there was bitterness, there was even humiliation but there was no pity! Instead there was empathy... and that brought out the film as a sheer magic on the screen... Taare Zameen Par. Even after the movie ended, my legs were just refusing to get up and leave the theater. Not just me, there were quite many like me, I realized, that too after so many weeks that the movie has been running successfully. Felt something similar with Rang De Basanthi before. There is enough already discussed about this wonderful piece, but this one was just for my own record!

Hope

2008-03-02T07:22:00.000-08:00

December was growing colder. The tiny hairs on her skin rose to the fierce winds blowing that night. The chillness tickled her bones. She grasped her coat more tightly around her and started walking faster. Her head tucked down, she was trying to makeout her path in the darkness. The soft rays of the moon provided the main source of illumination. Other than that a couple of decorative round bulbs near the pathway selfishly litup a few inches around them. At a distance, a few human shadows were moving relaxedly. Their hands holding on to lighted cigarettes, those people were in midst of a casual chat. The dots of fire stoodup bright and beautiful against the darkness. As she crossed them, she was wondering within herself. Howcome these people dont feel the coldness? Does that single dot of fire provide enough warmth? One spark against the whole dark chill night. Is that a portrayal of hope?

Welcome 2008

2008-01-12T10:51:00.000-08:00

To celebrate the dawning 2008, what better way than to reach out to the outside world and feel your inner self expand? I joined a friend's group that was planning to visit an orphanage for HIV affected children called Diya. There were children from age of 4 to 14. To take care of children as such is one thing and when they need special care like this, the effort and dedication of the voluntary group to undertake this responsibility definitely needs recognition.

We arranged for some gifts, art materials & toys for them. While I felt good helping out my friend in the purchasing and planning stuff, visiting those children was even a better experience. While I was expecting them to be slow at things, I was proved absolutely wrong. They were a bunch of enthusiastic kids at par with any other normal child. They go to school, sing and dance, play cricket and love gifts from friendly strangers like us!

I dont remember all their names, but let me see... Karuna LKG, is a shy girl who likes people to hold her and shower her with affection. Asha is another bright kid with sparkle in her eyes, very organised and mature for her age! There is Chandana (VIII std), the eldest of the lot who helped us manage our gift distribution and handle the younger ones. While one other girl was a great painter, one boy was so good at dancing. Within an hour we felt physically drained handling them but they were all charged up performing group dances for hit film songs for us.

Honestly I dont know how one feels with this disease sitting inside you eating away your life. I dont know what physical limitations and pain you are set to face. But these tiny angels give life to one word - Hope. Hope to do what you want. Hope to live the maximum you can. Hope to think beyond limitations. And dont even worry of things that you can do nothing about. Definitely for people like us whose wish list just never ends, there is a lot to learn from them. Wishing them all a happy 2008 and a wonderful life on earth.

Melting with music, yet again!

2008-01-05T08:55:00.000-08:00

I always felt a cellphone is just for talking and all those added features of games or camera or radio to a mobile never made any sense to me. When Maddy insisted on buying me the one I currently have (with FM radio) I was arguing that I would never use it. But now I've learned to appreciate this feature as well.

I've been almost out of touch with music & radio for over a year now. I dont really understand Telugu much and thats an added excuse for not being a big fan of the RadioCity FM here. Oh, and I somehow feel I can't putup with the added accent to Hindi that these RJs use. I miss Bangalore's RadioCity station, the RJs, the program presentation and all the nice songs they play round the clock. So, I wait for bed time, for all the talking to stop, leaving the station clean with some nice Hindi songs- new & fresh or old & nostalgic. I put on my earphones, turn to the Radiocity station and close my eyes ready to melt with the music and slowly unwind into unconsciousness. Definitely, music adds soul to life!

Trip to Thailand

2007-12-29T06:00:00.000-08:00

Despite being a software consultant for over 4 years, I never succeeded in travelling abroad. Ofcourse there were very valid reasons but ultimately, my passport was clean and fresh. With domestic holiday trips equalling international packages in cost, I decided to dirty my passport before the end of this year. We decided to fly to Thailand.

Why Thailand? Well, we were thinking of Singapore/ Malaysia and other islands. But I was interested in exploring & doing something different much more than shopping for the season. Of the lot, Thai seemed close to my expectations, and proved to be one too. We took a couples package with Cox & Kings. There were a few glitches but otherwise I'm impressed with their professionalism throughout the trip. We shelled out 30K per head all inclusive. Package included 5days 4 nights - 2 days in Pattaya, 2 days in Bangkok and last day morning, we caught our return flight. (Shouldnt it be 4 days 4 nights then?) The hotels were very good with breakfast taken care of. So, we had freedom to explore by ourselves despite it being a package tour.

Our flight was at 12am and we took Thai airways from hyderabad. There were many newly wedded couples going on a honeymoon to the same destination. The seats in thai airways were pretty cramped for an international flight. Once the flight started, the feast began... I mean post 12, till 5 in the morning, I was timesharing eating and sleeping! That was my first experience with Thai food. I identified it with the smell of Odomos (mosquito repellant) cream. This strong smell is due to a typical Thai herb. Since the food was hot, it was easy for me. We landed at Suvarnabhumi airport and came out at about 6am.

The airport was huge and beautiful, so huge that we did take walkalators without option. Cleanliness is one thing that clearly makes you feel inferior outside India. I was even wondering how foreigners bear with us! I was dangling somewhere in between sleep and wakefulness and caught up a good sleep when we waited at the airport for the tour operator. We started off straight to Pattaya at around 8am. I have to admit, the van they used for transport was cool.

We checked in at hotel Baiyoke there. After some more sleep and a nice bath, we were ready for our vacation! We went to Noong Nooch village the same day. It is a beautifully landscaped tropical garden with lots of flowers, cacti and other plants and trees. Everything there was a part of the package. Cultural show included grandly dressed Thai women performing their classical dance, humorous mock kickboxing, episodes from wars with rajas on elephants, and demonstration of their martial arts. Next we shifted to an open ground for Elephant show. They had wonderfully trained elephants entertaining us with basketball, cycling, dancing to music, painting, bull's eye and finally elephant massage on volunteers from the audience! I appreciate the way these programs were designed to get audience involvement mixed with a good sense of humor! There were options to take photos with live elephants, chimps and tiger. Oh, I should have tried one with tiger!
The rest of the evening was left for us to explore the place. We had to arrange for a pair of slippers and shorts for next day's water events. We went through "walking street" (called so as no vehicles are allowed after 7pm). The entire stretch has discos, gogo bars and restaurants with flashy lights in reds, blues and pinks. It definitely is not a place for family but one can go around to have a feel of the place. One end of this street gets you to the waters and the other end to the shopping center. We enjoyed a good walk up and down this entire length. That was the most descent looking restaurant, just outside the walking street and with our stomach growling, we just barged in. I took tom yum (shrimp) soup and Thai fried noodles, it was yummy. A bit of homework researching on the net did help us very much on what to eat/ buy and where. On our way back we went into a small shop near the hotel for shorts. The lady inside was watching some thai serial (serious background music, a slow closeup of an actress - A typical sop serial.. You know what I mean) And I smiled, oh here too! She was so engrossed that she asked me to decide on what I liked and then call her. (huh?!)

Next day we got ready for the beach. We took the speedboat to Coral island. On the way we took up parasailing and undersea walking (we had to pay extra for both). I had already done parasailing but it was first experience for Maddy. Underwater walking was new to us. With a 30kg helmet on my head, it was hard to control & coordinate yourself inside water. We walked to some distance, we fed the fishes there and touched the corals, oysters, starfish and snail like creatures. The Coral island was beautiful with bluish green waters and white soft sand. Somehow I feel the guides there tricked us by making us pay for even the chairs and overlooked the glassboat trip which were part of the package but they werent part of our itinerary we were given at the airport. Anyway, we should have got that clarified earlier. We were then taken for lunch to an Indian restraunt. Ahhh... the food (esp the chicken dish) was simply out of the world.
In the evening, we went for Alcazar show. The grandeur, the colors, the magic... simply awesome. They danced for Bhumbaroo song in one segment. That was very sweet. Guess Indian tourists contribute a lot to their business!
At night we went to starbucks and Brew house. The dinner with live music was a first experience for me. Thoroughly enjoyed it. And the waitress there, the moment she confirmed we were from India, she started saying how big a fan of SRK she is and sent her "hi"s and wishes for him... cute kid! We wrapped the day with some bit of shopping in "Mike Shopping mall". It was a nice place for bargain. Now I think I should have bought some more instead of waiting for shopping in bangkok.

After two days in Pattaya, it was time for us to explore Bangkok. With the map in hand and roaming around in Pattaya for a couple of days, we felt comfortable with Bangkok as well. The third day we were taken for city & temple tour. It was a 4 hour business taking us around the main roads covering Golden buddha and Reclining buddha temples. Somehow they dint include the Grandpalace, WatArun & Emerald Buddha temples in this tour though these were very close to the places we were visiting. And since we were not so interested in going to a zoo and we also wanted time for shopping, we decided to dump the safari world and reworked our schedule. With some bargain with the tour agent, he asked us to pay extra for the change of schedule (which was absolutely ridiculous according to me and it's a different story that finally no one asked us and we too dint pay. May be he just wanted to keep us from asking for more on his end as we were compromising a lunch and a whole day program for just a 4 hours plan. Very smart!). Ambassador hotel was very close to Nana skystation. So we went for some shopping there in the night. Someone had recommended MBK mall (which was more like our bigbazzar and I didnot find it worth). Chatuchak weekend market was too far, so we ruled it out. We tried the skytrain this time. I liked the train service, but were not very sure about the ticketting system. We hooked up with an Indian group there who said they would take us along. With them confused over the right train, we too missed it... hehe! When we reached the hotel, our foot was crying for mercy with all the walk for the past 3 days. So we decided to treat ourselves with foot massage. I was very impressed with the very look of my foot after the massage. The fresh clean look lasted for a week. May be I should have tried the thai massage as well.. hmmm...

Next day we went for the temple of dawn, Emerald buddha temple and Grand palace. The palace rooms were closed for the weekend (Oh, we should have known that!!). Even then the place was pretty crowded with tourists. The guide this time was pretty good. He gave a lot of tips on what to buy where and dropped us at Indra market (for more shopping) and King Power duty free mall was also close by. You could buy clothes and leather handbags there. I felt Pattaya was a better place than Bangkok for shopping though (hmm... distant pastures!). The next day morning was our return flight.

It was a wonderful experience, that shall be cherished for a lifetime or may be until maddy takes me for the next trip ;)

Discovery, I'm loving it!

2007-11-25T08:39:00.000-08:00

I've never liked myself sitting in front of the television. Ofcourse it's a different thing that everytime I realise it all and curse myself only after spending a solid couple of hours or more! The reason, I had always felt my time vanishing with no trace when I do it. And worse- I dont land up watching anything worthwhile. There seems to be a silent urge to look for a better channel, a better program and a better way to keep myself entertained. The remote works tirelessly when stuck in my hand and ultimately I throw it mercilessly on the sofa and shut off the idiot box.

But it is entirely different when it comes to Discovery. There are other channels like it but somehow i always felt Discovery has worked for and maintained it's distinct space. I get glued to it hands down. For instance, I was watching this Discovery Theatre program. It was exploring the evolution of life on earth, some 50 million years ago till now and from now on to a 100 million years into the future. I was impressed with the research details, the graphics and visualization of the future ecosystem that was shown.
With land moving towards the north and merging into one solid piece, earth's atmosphere would be lot more harsher than whats now. May be the global warming and pollution that we humans contribute would bring this day a bit earlier than it would normally occur. And the species that can adapt themselves and enhance their existing strengths are picked out as most suitable to survive through till that day. Unfortunately, humans dont fit into this category... how fragile are we! sigh!! But may be we equip ourselves with technology and brain to face it, find newer homes outside earth... hmmmm, thats nice!! When you stretch your vision to look so far, thinking of tomorrow or a year ahead looks so tiny and easy, doesnt it?

ramblings

2007-11-14T09:08:00.000-08:00

Now that i have opened my blogger account, wanting to write something, just for the sake of it, just for the feel of it... but turning blank on the sudden effort with nothing really urging to surge out of my mind... forget it... instead hop through a couple of friend's blogs, thinking about times when it was fun filling my pages like that... sigh, a big sigh, bout whats, whys, whens, and whos of the past, present, future... oh what crap... dont ask me anything...

Am I more mature?

2007-11-12T08:46:00.000-08:00

I no more have friends around me
as much as a couple of years ago;
I no more listen to songs
and get soaked by the music...
I no more imagine drinking the dusk
and feeling beautiful inside!
Have I become more mature?

My world no more
revolves around me;
I worry more about future
than relishing the present...
My brain is clogged
with work, time and money!
Have I become more mature?

Should-do and have-to
weigh heavier than want-to;
I count moments no more
and the days fill faster into years...
All that was precious to me once
have turned kiddish in every sense!
Have I become more mature?

If this is maturing - it sucks, really!

One lonely line

2007-09-22T11:19:00.000-07:00

One lonely line
laid for you...
One journey on it
destined for you!

The destiny though,
the one point -
seems too close
yet too far!

At times slippery
sometimes supportive
Sometimes promising
and othertimes elusive!

You can glide
or you can trot
You can even ride
but you just can't stop

The puzzle untold -
Mystery is it's beauty
To solve is not intended
but the one who does, conquers it all.

Induction Effect

2007-02-13T00:16:00.000-08:00

You are gloomy
We are pained;

You are thrilled
We are excited;

You feel defeated
We feel tired;

You are happy
We brim with smile;

You are successful
We are elated;

This induction effect
calls itself friendship!

I'm ready already!!

2006-09-09T06:07:00.000-07:00

With my b-day just around the corner... I was thinking I should do something... mmm... something that pleases me :/

Thought I better get rid of the old look and freshen up! So, here it is... after a tough fight with the template and blogger for hours together... I'm sooooo thrilled to have this fresh new look!! :) Oh, I'm "self-impressed"!!!!

Hmm... you can say I'm all set for my BDay already! ;) So, where are my gifts?? :O

To be in love

2006-09-08T07:26:00.000-07:00

When you are invited
for having fun with friends
When you want to go out too
but decide to wait for me...
I know I need to learn from you
what it is to be in love!

When I need your support
to do something you are not convinced of;
When you still have your doubts
but decide to help me without a word uttered...
I know I need to learn from you
what it is to be in love!

When you have your fears within
and my strength relying on yours;
When you want to spill out your tears
but decide to be calm and peaceful...
I know I need to learn from you
what it is to be in love!

When I am unable to move an inch
and there are many to help me around;
When you could easily pass it on to others
but decide you be at my complete service...
I know I need to learn from you
what it is to be in love!

When things don't go our way
and I feel low by the day
When you are deeply hurt too
but decide to cheer me through...
I know I need to learn from you
what it is to be in love!

When I upset you very well
with my petty little quarrel;
And when I realise and come back
you embrace me with your smile...
I know I need to learn from you
what it is to be in love!

A want...

2006-09-06T11:00:00.000-07:00

I want to fly...
To breathe in freshness
To discover my lightness
To touch the sky
and measure it's rise!

I want to fly...
To sail and dive
To soar and glide
To cut the clouds
with my wings so wide!

I want to fly...
In the morning brightness
As a point in vastness
Smiling to the sun
for it's warm kindness...

I want to fly...
With wind leading the way
And my dress fluttering with gay
To wonder at the land
from a point so away!

I want to fly...
To explore new worlds
To find new homes
To bring down to earth
all new hopes!

Moments interred alive...

2006-08-31T06:08:00.000-07:00

Darkness everywhere; the doors, closed
Life, the closest it could get to hell.
The most loved one -
the reason for your being -
the best friend -
the most trusted of souls...
To see her strangled in torture -
voicing constant murmurs of pain
pleading for mercy from the torturer unknown!

Every second passing with great strain
to hear the tired voice dying down, not the pain
to see her body twisting and turning in agony
Apparent that the body is burden to the soul...
Not a moment of peace, not a minute of rest
every bit of your consciousness praying for that silence
every drop of your tear begging for her sleep...
a break in that torture -
a few minutes of insensitivity!

A deal of new kind... a share in her pain
if at all that is possible... is it possible, you know not!
All you know is you are nothing but a stone,
your hands powerless to fence her from the torment
you can't hug and hide her from the curse!
And you surrender to the superior -
tears melting you down...
meditating the bargain -
the exchange of peace for pain.

And there in front of you, she sleeps...like a baby
and you know your prayers have been heard...
your deal just been made!

The Sunset!

2006-07-26T22:42:00.000-07:00

             The time has come
             And I have to leave.
             There is nothing
             that could postpone this eve...

             I keep looking back
             withholding tears, so warm
             My eyes showing red
             And yet you are so calm!

Darkness is sinking in ;
stabbing every ray of hope...
I close my eyes
unable to bear your repose!

But that is no peace -
I know now for sure...
When my last glimpse of your face
caught the agony... that pain, so pure!

I shall hold to my hopes
still burning bright...
For, again shall we meet
in the morning light!!

Pamper, unexpected!

2006-07-24T01:42:00.000-07:00

It was yet another day when I walked into the office... munching silently in my mind, all those pending work that had been pending for quite some time now. I kept my handbag, opened the laptop case and started setting up the system, in the same boringly usual manner that I have gotten so accustomed to by now. I dint complain but at the back of my mind I did reserve some hate for my seat.

It's been a little over a month since I came to this building... my seat is pretty locked away from the window... how it would be if I have to sit near those long glass panes, looking at the magnificient structures and satin roads and lovely lawns and just feel the life out there... how it would be to sit so close when rain drops kiss those glasses and trickle down the panes, unable to reach me yet! Awww... I envy those with window seats!!

As I push the network cord into it's port slot, tucking my head under my desk, I hear a soft tap above me...
"Hey, good morning!"
"Oh, hai... good morning... whats up?"
"mm... you might have to shift your place!"

I look around puzzled. Afterall, did I commit any crime to have been singled out and treated like that! :-o Then I see quite a number of seats, that were empty earlier been occupied now... There have been a big immigration activity early in the morning, I understood.
"Okie... aa, where do I sit?"
"ah... am.. you want to sit in the same bay or want to shift elsewhere?"
"I don't mind either"
"Okie, then you can shift to that cubicle" said the IT ops guy pointing towards the window.

I collected my things and peeped into the place that was just shown to me. My eyes widened... it is a big cubicle just next to the window! Such is usually given to managers, remember! I wondered what it feels like to be a manager... sit in that biiig cube, absolutely undisturbed by cube-mates... and a really really long table to have all your papers and stuff strewn all over... I just sat closing my eyes and wearing a big wide smile! Life, I love you for such pamper!!

Quick blindness..

2006-07-19T09:14:00.000-07:00

Here's a post after long... may be a filler kind, but feels so good to me afterall!

I could'nt believe yet that I dint have a minute for myself all this while! Oh, life sometimes decides to take you for a vacation from yourself... lifting you off the ground, tossing plans and activities at you, making people run around you and soon you are blinded momentorily by the mere pace of it! You get this done, get that fixed, go here, reach there, find people, run around, finish things... loads of work done but no time to feel all of it. But that was fun too, I mean, the change in pace.

And after this rollercoaster ride, when you land and feel the firmness of time... tasting the flow, slow and steady... it feels really........ phew!!!

தொலைத்துப் பெற்றேன்!

2006-06-29T22:53:00.000-07:00

தேடினேன்
கிடைக்கவில்லை...
நாடினேன்
திரும்பவில்லை...
வாடினேன்
வரவில்லை...

காலத்தின் மயக்கத்தில்
உன்னை மறந்தேன்;
என் விரல் கோர்க்க
நீயாக வந்து நின்றாய்!

A basket full

2006-05-22T06:40:00.000-07:00

One drop of dew
is what I wanted;
You drenched me
absolutely in drizzle!

One soft corner
is what I asked for;
You filled me
completely in your heart!

One supporting hand
is what I needed;
You gave me wings
and a whole new sky to fly!

One understanding nod
is what I expected;
You pampered me
with every single gesture!

One red rose
is all that I yearned for;
You gifted me
with a basket full of them!!

adorable experience

2006-04-14T09:09:00.000-07:00

I reach there, crossing the people, pollution, traffic and tension to touch the road that leads to that temple... the road with trees all along, bending over the silent path, shedding their flowers as if smiling at you... the sun setting quickly, doping the white clouds with pink and orange... the full moon just getting prepared to tour for the rest of the night... the chill breeze ruffling your hair playfully as you walk your way... so beautiful is this 10 minutes pilgrimage!

The temple just behind one of the busiest roads of bangalore, so easily vulnerable to the pollution and noise, yet so untouched by these! The asbestos roof, the shrine, the bell, the narrow corridor, the huge hall - every part of it so vividly stick to one's mind... The silver metal, the silk garb and the stone jewellery covering the idol, glittering in gay adding to the elegance and royalty of the divine... The soothing voice of MS played back by the audioset, immersing every soul in devotion... The fragrance of karpoora and agarbathis, calming the restless mind with peace... The flowers covering every inch of the idol, so beautifully decorated - filling the eyes and heart! The tulasi thirtham... the flowers... the chimes... beauty in various forms bringing with them a sense of depth, leaving me with gratitude to cherish! The innocent smile so gracefully and vibrantly flashing on the face of the idol... as that of a child that is delighted to receive you at it's house... And I sit down closing my eyes to lose myself in His beauty personified, wondering everytime, what to ask for from this child! Truly His house is one of the loveliest I ever knew!

A tear in silence

2006-04-10T09:32:00.000-07:00

The flower, so beautifully fragile...
The flower in the bouquet, brightest of the lot...
The flower withering with the wind...
To offer, there is nothing that I have got!
The wind so powerful, so abstract
to even think of offering a fight.

I stand still, my hands heavily idle...
my legs stubbornly lame...
my eyes sorely blind...
my ears depressingly deaf...
my heart racing to void...
my presence so painfully meaningless...
All that I could offer is an hidden tear and a silent prayer...
for hope and strength to face the hopeless!

Sand Dreams & Tide Games

2006-04-07T03:03:00.000-07:00

There I am, playing with the sands -
Collecting shells and dirtying hands
There are a few like me, back on the shores
while many others surfing to the core.

I feel the soft breeze -
heavy with droplets from the sea
droplets stolen skillfully
or just acquired for free?

I draw patterns on sand
lines reflecting my dreams
I draw flowers and houses
doves, trees and faces...

I stand up and look at my creations
My heart brimming with preen
A huge tide beats the sands
washing my foot and my dreams

My eyes well up
I chide the naughty tide
till it retreats to the ocean's lap
and not to be seen any soon

I sit down again building castles this time
big and beautiful, to be cherished for a lifetime!
Once again the tide soars;
and in a moment everything is devoured.

I sit down broken and weep
For I was just robbed of my dreams and hope..
I lift my head to see you standing beside
holding your surfboard and staring at me wide!

"Whats are you doing here?" you ask
I tell my sorrow and you laugh...
"May be the tide wants to play with you" you say
"I'll take you along... Jump in, this way!"

I smile at you and take your hand
The tides roar; we laugh and scream
There we are, set out to tame the tide
Leaving behind the sand and the dreams!

Holi Haiiii

2006-03-17T07:10:00.000-08:00

Holi, the festival of colors, this time we friends gathered at our usual meeting place, M's house. Some elaborate mails pre-exchanged on the timings of the celebrations with must read warnings about spoiling your dress that you cannot even think of using for months or may be even years to come! That reminds me of my scarf and my salwar set that saw it's first holi along with me, which I preserved and so proudly worn until the colors faded :( I was all charged up for the D-day, and B came to pick me up. Oh, last time it was R&D who came to my hostel and pulled me along, just in time to catch me when I tried to quietly slip away to office!

I entered their house, the coloring had already started... M's brother and his friends were gleefully waiting for anybody who dared to enter their gates with their dresses unstained! There were eggs and tomato to add to the madness... I'm sure the houseowner would have committed suicide seeing the condition of his house! Well, not house exactly... only the portico... these guys were sensible enough [for this once ;)] to spread newspapers all over the floor to save the house this time! And, we had a good laugh over the onions that were placed along with the eggs and tomatoes intended for playing holi outside the house... some brahaspathi had brought onions assuming I donno what!!

There were all colors, yellow, green, pink, chrome, red, violet... and water colors and silver! This time I was better off... I could discern the hard colors from the soft and could use it to my advantage ;) Last time, M made sure we novices got our hands on soft colors to play with and had kept hard colors for our faces! Result was our faces looking red and pink while M's hands alone were colored! After emptying all water and playing enough, it was time for sweets and some cleaning too! Aki was the only one spared with minimal colors on his Tshirt, so he was the one who ended up bringing us buckets of fresh water from inside M's house... Poor Aki! But he did take advantage of his clean hands and was hogging all the sweets meant for us :O... Just then Chells was shouted at him... "Aki, if you are doing this, I'm gonna come and hug you!" Another burst of laughter... though it did save some sweets for us!! :)

R dropped me back and after hours of scrubbing and cleaning I could still find patches of pink, blue and green on my face... Gosh!! I had to go like that to office. I was rather quick to say "Happy Holi" to anyone who gave me a puzzled, concerned look, before they could even ask "Oh, what happened to you?" Our gang was the one colorful lot in our office, feels nice to stand out among the boring rest.

Be a Woman!

2006-03-08T04:35:00.000-08:00

Hey woman...

They say you symbolize beauty
not bothering to look at your substance;
They say your heart is an ocean
not trying to know it the least.

They say you are precious
not letting you fly in freedom;
They say you are frail
not realizing you created them!

One touch is enough to heal you
One word is enough to inspire you
One tear is enough to melt you
One smile is enough to lift you...
May be thats why there is just
one day to celebrate you!

May the spark in you light the world
May the will in you conquer all heights
May your tenderness spread love
May your nobility hold you high!

My favorite in Gitanjali

2006-03-06T03:24:00.000-08:00

One poem (numbered 52) in the Gitanjali collection that had stitched me unto the book... the verses I kept reading again and again, mysteriously intoxicated by the words weaved into it!

I thought I should ask of thee--but I dared not--the rose wreath thou hadst on thy neck. Thus I waited for the morning, when thou didst depart, to find a few fragments on the bed. And like a beggar I searched in the dawn only for a stray petal or two.
Ah me, what is it I find? What token left of thy love? It is no flower, no spices, no vase of perfumed water. It is thy mighty sword, flashing as a flame, heavy as a bolt of thunder. The young light of morning comes through the window and spreads itself upon thy bed. The morning bird twitters and asks, 'Woman, what hast thou got?' No, it is no flower, nor spices, nor vase of perfumed water--it is thy dreadful sword.

I sit and muse in wonder, what gift is this of thine. I can find no place to hide it. I am ashamed to wear it, frail as I am, and it hurts me when I press it to my bosom. Yet shall I bear in my heart this honour of the burden of pain, this gift of thine.

From now there shall be no fear left for me in this world, and thou shalt be victorious in all my strife. Thou hast left death for my companion and I shall crown him with my life. Thy sword is with me to cut asunder my bonds, and there shall be no fear left for me in the world.

From now I leave off all petty decorations. Lord of my heart, no more shall there be for me waiting and weeping in corners, no more coyness and sweetness of demeanour. Thou hast given me thy sword for adornment. No more doll's decorations for me!

And this reminds me.... hey Krish, where is my book???? :O

Lines I adore...

2006-02-27T07:47:00.000-08:00

Main quaidi number saat sau chiyasi
jail ki salaakhon se bahar dekhta hoon,
Din mahine saalon ko yug mein badalte dekhta hoon,

Is mitti se mere bauji ke kheton ki khusboo aati hai,
yeh dhoop meri maati ki thandi chaas yaad dilati hai,
yeh baarish mere saawan ke jhoolon ko sang sang laati hai,
yeh sardi meri lodi ki aag sek kar jaati hai,

Woh kehte hain yeh tera des nahi
phir kyon mere des jaisa lagta hai,

Woh kehta hai main us jaisa nahin
phir kyon mujh jaisa woh lagta hai...

When we fought for each other's freedom, when we stood for each other, united in our distress, why do we have to fight bitterly when we have our free land in our hands? Why do we keep ourselves busy in petty quarrels all this while, doing nothing but proving the political strategy of a small European kingdom... divide & rule and partition & free? When will we think beyond what we have been taught under their centuries of rule? When will we really be free?

மௌனம்

2006-02-20T06:54:00.000-08:00

கண் மூடிக் கரைகிறேன்
சுவாசத்தில் உறைகிறேன்
அமைதியில் மறைகிறேன்
காற்றில் உன்னை வரைகிறேன்

பூக்களிடம் புலம்புகிறேன்
பனிமலை நானடி,
உன் மௌனத்தால்
என்னைத் தீக்குளிக்க வைக்கிறாய்!

Translation:
Silence
I'm melting, closing my eyes
I'm freezing within my breaths
I'm vanishing in stillness
I'm drawing you in thin air

I'm ranting to the flowers
I'm a glacier
With your silence
You bathe me in fire!

RDB: loved every bit of it!

2006-02-19T03:38:00.000-08:00

The minds in two completely different planes... Thats what I see in Rang De Basanti.
One that is absolutely carefree about anything happening around, that which accepts the flow of life not knowing where it is going to end... not even giving a thought of what it's goals are... It even asks, why does it ever need to think! It's in immaturity, in the state of inebrity!

In that mindset, it wants to enjoy everything... it's proud of being a rebel... It gets the thrill by breaking any imposition or any social boundaries, for instance... which gives it a glimpse of freedom, a taste of boldness... The pairs drinking and dancing around bonfire... the bike racing, the bets on who drinks without falling off, the running towards the flight and jumping to touch it.. all this beautifully shows that youthfulness... the fresh mind that thrills itself tasting the rebellious nature.. "Lose control" is the song for that!

It's innocence and beauty is also well portrayed.. when DJ (Aamir) keeps saying "Yeh kitni achchi hindi bolti hai yaar..." and every one has a hearty laugh; when they make fun of the other by singing film songs... when they all hold together in a big hug when Madhavan proposes to Sonia... a mind absolutely innocent of anything ugly in this world.. ignorant of doublecrossings, of political games... All the mind knows is love, trust, living for each other within the gang of 5 or 6 friends... bound by pure friendship!

And they are introduced to the other state of mind by Sue's documentary work... the freedom fighters who had gone against all pleasures of life, against their family's pleadings, even sacrificing their very lives for the nation... All these doesn't make sense to a mind that's immature... when they make fun of the dialogues - the supposedly golden words of those martyrs... when Karan(Siddharth) reads his dialogue paper and says "whats this guy's problem in life yar?"

Yet they do this film just for Sue and in that process the characters slowly sink into each of them. When Madhavan comes in asking "Koi margaya kya?" it's more than obvious. Also, the flow alternating between both the states of mind keeps this film very lively and different. Then comes the best part of the movie... the point where these two planes meet... or you can even say the point where this youth's mind transforms to the one of those martyrs!

They see their friend in pain... the injustice to her and her family... by not merely forgetting to respect the sacrifice of Madhavan... but on top of it the minister's words that put him into notoriety just to save himself. They couldnot accept this as easily as they could accept the corruption and other 'national evil' as is put normally. Their friendship is dear to them and they have to give her comfort now... DJ(Aamir) breaks down and cries saying "kuch to karna padega yar.. Sonia hamari bachchi hai... aisa hona nahi chahiye tha.. yeh sabh galat hai.."

In the fullness of immaturity and the heat of the moment, they decide on what got just impressed on their minds, the characters of those martyrs come alive and they do the killing. I donot see anything illogical with that. And the movie moves on. They realize that their action didnot get them any near to where they wanted to be. To get their message, it demanded their public confession. The realization... the confession before public, of their crime with their full identity.. the facing of hard truth is the real boldness! "Doing what is ethically and logically right is the real freedom, and that is usually the most difficult thing to do!".. these are the words that echo in the background when they walk into the radio station. That is where the mind is totally transformed to the other plane... one that can sacrifice anything for what it believes, for something that it holds passionate and dear! "Roobaroo" sings it so beautifully!

The eyes of such people shines clear of any guilt
The hearts of such people glow as bright as the sun
The will of such people are as strong as diamonds
These people, who have overcome all fears, including that of death
These people who can lay down their lives for what they believed!

And when DJ and Karan crack a typical friend's joke and laugh out a light moment when the commandos break in and kill them, nothing can tell the message any better... their minds have become those of martyrs! The third kind of men who walk to death, smiling!

And coming to the patriotism bit, I think the misery under the slavery bounded every Indian together. One thing i liked about the movie was the way it showed that this struggle fought a few generations before... the days, the people, the emotions were not so different from today's. It definitely relates to today so well. When I read my history books in school, it more seemed to be a remote past, a feel of some fiction is what I got, when all I was interested in was the facts and dates, not the reality of it!

I somehow cannot accept demanding the same mindset with present people. I feel, they are cool and carefree because the situation doesnot demand the other state. But thinking on the other line, when so many people in our country had laid their lives down for the freedom that they held so dear, it definitely deserves a sincere thought and a longterm action from each one of us who take it so much for granted.

Freedom... freedom to my self- my thoughts, my talks, my actions, my very dignity... in a place that is rightfully mine! With the world shrinking so much, the principles two generations old that saw nation as just geographical boundaries doesn't appeal to me much. It makes more sense to me when I take it as shaping your team for competition. Your team wins only if all players play good. So, just keep up your contribution and spread the spirit!

உன்னால் நான்

2006-02-15T06:35:00.000-08:00

என் பெயர் இனிக்கிறது
நீ உச்சரிப்பதால்

என் புலம்பல் பொருட்படுகிறது
நீ அமைதியாய்க் கேட்பதால்

என் பிழைகள் அழகாகின்றன
நீ ரசிப்பதால்

என் கோபம் குழந்தைத்தனமாகிறது
நீ கொஞ்சுவதால்

என் சுமைகள் மெலிகின்றன
நீ நிழலாய் நிற்பதால்

என் கற்பனை நிஜமாகிறது
நீ உயிர் கொடுப்பதால்

நான் குறையற்றவளாகிறேன்
உன் விழிகள் காண்பதால்!

என் வார்த்தை அழுத்தமாகிறது
நீ அக்கறை செலுத்துவதால்

என் கண்ணீர் வைரமாகிறது
நீ ஏந்திக் கொள்வதால்

நான் நிமிர்ந்து நிற்கிறேன்
நீ வளைந்து கொடுப்பதால்

என்னில் அர்த்தம் கொள்கிறேன்
உன்னில் என்னை நீ காட்டுவதால்

என்னில் கர்வம் கொள்கிறேன்
என்னை நீ ஏற்றுக்கொண்டதால்

நான் நானாகிறேன்
என்னொடு நீ இருப்பதால்!

Translation:
Myself, because of you

My name is sweet
because you pronounce it.

My ravings make sense
because you calmly listen to it.

My mistakes are beautiful
because you savor them.

My anger is childish
because of your pampering.

My burden is feather-light
because you stay close to me.

My fantasy looks real
because you give it life.

I am perfect
because your eyes see me!

My words are expressive
because of your sincerity to them.

My tears glitter as diamonds
because you hold them.

I stand tall
because you flexibly accomodate me

I find myself meaningful
because you reflect me

I'm proud of myself
because you accepted me

I am what I am
because you are with me!

Symbol of Love

2006-02-14T03:51:00.000-08:00

I asked people what is love...
some said, it is stupidity
some said, it is sane
some said, it is a sin
some said, it is divine
some said, it is distraction
some said, it is attraction
some said, it is passion
some said, it is bliss
some said, it is the sex
some said, it is the soul
some said, it is a disease
some said, it is the cure
some said, it is blind
some said, it shows your destiny
some said, it is when your tongue fails to speak
some said, it is the eyes speaking out your heart
some said, it is failure to succeed
some said, it is success in failure
some said, it is a war within
some said, it is peace outside
some said, it gives you nothing
some said, It is Everything!

As I sitdown, confused by these explanations
I find myself lost in an ocean of thoughts...
That is the answer, something tells me...
the ocean, the very symbol of love!

Everyone is true in their own perspectives,
reassures this image.. justifying thus...
It is just where you are that matters,
Playing with the tides or searching for the pearls!

You find noise and turbulence at the surface,
Just like anger, jealousy, hatred and passion...
The feelings that we play with, when on the surface!

The deeper we dive, we sense the silence- divinity and bliss
Just like gratitude, compassion, and serenity,
The purest of stuff each of us are made of!

In this depth of ocean, it says, your pearl finds you-
ending your life's search for eternity...
It is then that you see,
yourself in others and others in you!
It is then that you see,
God's work in a grain of sand and a drop of dew!

A trip to a dreamland

2006-02-12T10:10:00.000-08:00

Walking in peace
among rustling dried leaves,
Treading the long paths
that curves and meets it's counterparts,
Every stone absolutely clean,
not a spec of dust or dirt to be seen!
The serene bamboos to the wild bushes
everything adding to the beauty of the scene.
Just above the entrance is the brown glass pane
filtering those beautiful golden rays;

The raised platform well protected amidst
the huge trees, that the sun really had to miss!
An used office coffee mug left in a corner
holding alive, moments of previous visit by a soul that belonged here!
The flowers, bright and colorful... the birds singing in full flare,
anyone could become a poet by just sitting there!
The school of fishes, white, black, red and golden...
you have any worries, just go and tell them!
The bright blue cool swimming pool,
with the tune of running water, enough to soothe your soul
The lush greens of the lawns
welcoming you to escape to heavens
Flying with the winds, on the cycle
on those neat roads, by itself is a thrill!

Wondering how can and cannot one work there,
I was walking in a dreamland called Infosys!

It's the first time I had been to Infy campus after a stay of 3 and half years in this city! I was filled with awe and reverence thinking of the spirit of the man who dared to dream and did get it this big into reality... It's no less than a dreamland, so tastefully built and beautifully maintained!

Crushed under a dirty sole

2006-02-10T01:59:00.000-08:00

Left clueless in chaos, they are -
their innocence secretly robbed;
Knowing no way out,
they just sit and sob!

Unable to express -
for they know not the right words
Unable to supress-
for they know it's just not right either

Shutting themselves in darkness
staying bitterly blind to any hope;
Like a tender bud, they lie
that got crushed cruelly under a dirty sole!

Too naive to face things boldly
Too tender to take the violence;
Too weak to stand up yet again
Too innocent to understand that even!

It's ugly, it's cruel, it's pathetic
but it does so really exist.
Lets spread awareness and our minds too
lets give these angels, much deserved empathy and hope!

PS: This (An Angel by the furnace) was touching and this made the reality slap hard on my face! CSA... A Silent Cancer!

:(

2006-02-09T07:50:00.000-08:00

She has been behaving quite erratically today. Even with everyone of my friends advising me sincerely to let her down- making fun of her, for her very looks and small intelligence - qualities that definitely make a difference in today's fast paced hi-style society you live in, I was fighting along my way to hold to her tight all these years. How can I forget the very fact she had left me once, three years back when we hardly knew each other, just to return to be with me all her life? Somehow I never thought I could part with her but today it did occur to me for the first time that she's walking through her final days, ready to say good-bye... I would have to change my cell phone soon... :(

Beliefs

2006-02-07T22:00:00.000-08:00

Is it something that you feel so true that you neither demand a proof, not bother about proving to others? Is it something that ultimately defines you and your compatibility with others to coexist?
Does these beliefs change with time, as they say 'getting matured', when your perspective and the way you think changes? I do not know. But what do I believe in?

Frankness. Speaking out when you really want to. Saying a no when you really feel it.

Honesty. Not compromising the truthfulness and honesty to oneself.

Love at first sight. Also love - the compassion that wells up your eyes when you see a friend or even a stranger in pain.

Humor, fun and celebration.

Beauty - of mind, of heart, of relations, of nature, of petty quarrels, the very beauty of life.

Freedom. Freedom to speak, to do, to think.... to be what you want to be.

Friendship. The beauty of this relation is that it holds all of these- frankness, honesty, compassion, fun and freedom.

Lord Krishna. I believe Him to be the very attraction in everything that feels attractive.

Bright days after every turmoil, a hearty laugh after every tear.

Achievement after hard work.

Life after death, atleast living in memories of the technically alive people.

So what are your beliefs?

A pain, very painful

2006-02-07T01:00:00.000-08:00

when trust is breached
the trust inherently assumed;

when smiles seem untrue
the very smiles that spread hope;

when just any word becomes serious
the intention behind them, scrutinized;

when a friendship had been slaughtered
like the bull in La Corrida;

very painful, is the pain
to simply act normal again!

Oh Friendz...

2006-02-05T20:26:00.000-08:00

Vineeth: u there?
Ritesh: Hey Vinny... hows you?
Vineeth: Hmm, pehle yeh bol... why do you ever have a cell? What did you do with it this time? It's saying 'temporarily.. kuch kuch..' when I tried calling you y'day
Ritesh: I had left the phone in my room da
Ritesh: forgot to take it with me
Ritesh: I'm just coming from a refreshing long walk.
Vineeth: achcha? 'refreshing'?? with whom? *wink*
Ritesh: arrrree...
Ritesh: call me around 10... got to go for a meeting now
Ritesh: I have literally no balance left!
Vineeth: balance? woh kabhi rehta tha kya?
Ritesh: *grin*
Ritesh: Oh shit! I forgot to tell you...
Ritesh: I had changed my number to 9XXXX.
Vineeth: So now you change your number and dont even think of informing people...
Vineeth: And everytime I should come and ask you, is it?
Vineeth: *fuming*
Ritesh: Hey hey... sorry yar.. bohot kaam tha! Really forgot!
Ritesh: I'm really sorry...
Ritesh: pls call me at 10 today, will you?
Vineeth: Nahi, why should I call you? I wont.
Ritesh: poda...
Ritesh: me going for a meeting now. Will wait for your call.
Vineeth: okie, get lost
Ritesh: Really da, forgot completely!
Ritesh: okie, bye
Vineeth: If you want, you call up and speak to me. There is not anything that important to talk to you after getting appointments with you... *angry*
Ritesh: Gosh! This is really getting beyond limits...
Ritesh: If somebody says sorry, it should be accepted. Abi maan bhi ja yar!
Vineeth: *straight face*
Ritesh: kitne baar sorry poochraha hun!
Vineeth: If you donot have balance, go to an STD booth and make a call... or better still, beg-borrow-steel a cell from your colleagues or client there!
Ritesh: You donot know it is a god forsaken place... no booths nearby...
Vineeth: It's upto you to be interested. If you go onsite, does that mean you have gone to higher plane?
Ritesh: thats it. I'm not going to speak to you hereafter.
Vineeth: Oh, so you think you have been calling me and speaking to me every single day till now?
Vineeth: * garbled #$^@ *
Ritesh: what?
Ritesh: I can't see the smilie properly. what was it?
Vineeth: Han, tujhe insaan nahi nazar aata hai, smilie kahan se aayegi?
Ritesh: Kya?
Ritesh: It's not my fault... the messenger problem!
Vineeth: Kya baat hai... now you are blaming all your fault on every living and non living things around you!
Vineeth: Just get lost, okie?
Ritesh: me leaving da
Ritesh: will you call me?
Ritesh: will you?
Ritesh: Phuleeeeeeease
Ritesh: hellooooooooooo
Ritesh: please call me da
Vineeth: I cant see what you are typing... guess it's selective blindness!
Ritesh: what the $%@!@ !
Ritesh: I will wait for your call... pleaseeeee...
Ritesh: now I'm already late. got to go
Vineeth: hahahahahhahahaha
Vineeth: kya mazza aaya... chal be, tujhe baksh diya!
Vineeth: will call you, bye! *hearty laugh*
Ritesh: aarrrgggghhhrrrr

First time to live concert

2006-02-04T22:08:00.000-08:00

I'm fond of music. I like to listen and forget myself in the very flow of it. But till now I have been listening to recorded tapes or CDs. This was the first time I ever attended a live concert. It was organized as part of cultural fest by IIM-B and was open for entire bangalore.

When B suggested we give it a go, I decided it's time to try it out! So B, R and me planned together and reached there by 7.00. The show was supposed to start at 6.30 by the ticket and 7.00 by the banners there. B said it is usual for the show to get delayed. We calculated it to be around 8.00. By that time R and me were terribly hungry and wanted to have some pet-puja done immediately. Finding a loooooong queue for the entry to the ground, we decided we sit and chat for sometime till the crowd dissipates. We were in the grounds by 8.30. With the sweet aroma of foods teasing our already roaring stomach, we walked straight towards the food counters, praying for some more delay to the program till we are finished :) We tried some fried rice to fill and some chat for timepass. I liked the chat better.

It was now 8.45 and the crowd was getting impatient already. There were continuous ads in the big screen, about SBI atms, one of the main sponsors, that was worsening the temper of the audience. Finally, the show started with the Pak band "Jal" singing the opening song "Woh Lamhe, Woh yaadein..." I was standing at quite a distance from the stage, protected from the blaring sounds and flashing lights, right enough to enjoy them though. It was pure magic, to hear them play and sing right in front of you, with audience cheering and waving and applauding... the show lights dancing to the beats and splashing colors... "What it is to be there on the stage with all spotlights focussed on you and you have hundreds of people waiting down there to hear your voice, wanting you to sing for them!" Wow... now I understand the thrill of attending live concerts and going crazy not bothering about the heavy ticket charges. Jal sang some 7-8 songs in total. I haven't heard most of their songs and couldnot relate to them. But I frankly felt they were all sounding so similar. Anyway, their voice was just beautiful, with a touch of sadness - a longing to it that made their song that big a hit.

When they were done with, it was Shivamani's stage now. He wore a white sleeveless top with his head covered with some sort of white cloth connected to his shirt. He was wearing a chain made of big rudhraskha beads. He was maestro there, in the middle of his huge collection of drums of different types and sizes arranged all around him. He started off with Ohmkara and some cosmic background base tune on top of which he was sprinkling lavishly, sounds from his own drums, interspersed with his own voice of 'thakida thakka junu...' I was absolutely thrilled to see him blowing a shankh in between his drumming. Is that all? No, he had got salangai (ghungrus) too that he was using to diversify the sounds he produced. "Is there anything that he cannot do?", people were wondering. The big screen closing in on him was the only way we confirmed he was actually producing those sounds! It was absolute ecstacy... The beats that were thrown out of his hands, the sticks dancing and rotating in the air, the sound resonating in everybody's ears saying, "Now, just shut up and listen!" We were mesmerrised. The beats from modern to folk enthralled everyone. There were few people who started dancing to his beats, unable to hold themselves in control. He was GOD there! I felt bad that I couldnot jump and enjoy like others :(( I could see someone waving their crutches in cheer. What an enthu!

Then was the combined performance of Jal and Shivamani. Shivamani was all over the stage coming up with something different every time and Jal's guitarist was trying to give equal competition to his beats. Out of the world, it was! There were no boundaries, no nationalities, no differences... the music merged everybody there into one single base. What a feeling!

A walk

2006-02-03T09:35:00.000-08:00

I wanna walk,
walk in the woods...

Drinking the freshness in the air
Letting the breeze play with my hair
Feeling the moist earth with foot, so bare
Knowing not, I am going where

Listening to what the birds say
Tracing out the butterfly's ways
Smiling long at the caressing rays
Hiding myself in the tender shades

Frisking the squirrels, that are so brisk
Causing the tranquility, yet no risk
Admiring the beauty of those arched trees
Leaving the mind to float free

Tickling the leaves, holding the dew
Humming along, a sweet little tune
Diving into a world so new
Forgetting all about me that soon

I wanna walk,
walk in those woods!

Masked

2006-01-26T09:36:00.000-08:00

I see through that veil of yours,
running down is a drop of tear!
Back then were my hands tied
My answer to you was just a void.

I see you again through that veil
You seem to look more than pale.
Now I offer you any help
You reject outright, hiding your self!

I know what I saw
There wasn't any flaw.
Yet I respect your dignity;
Your right to privacy.

I see you now, with that mask
' Was anything ever wrong ', I ask
Now, I smile along with you
for, I've masked myself too!

Into a thousand pieces!

2006-01-25T10:15:00.000-08:00

A beautiful vase it was -
Absolutely made of glass;
When the sun shined,
Into a lovely rainbow, it smiled;
And when the night glided by
It mocked the star studded sky!

Shimmering and glittering all over
I could never find it any sober;
So was it, bright and gay
Be it night or the day.
It brought the universe into my room
So cherished it was, I never knew!

The smooth sides and the sharp edges -
The flowery mouth and the perfect wedges...
I filled it with bright red and orange flowers;
Flowers of hope - intended to be fresh and fragrant forever
I admired, cared and nurtured it for long;
I cradled it and ran my fingers along.

Then blew the wind of unexpectedness -
It brought the vase down into a thousand pieces!
On the floor lay the crushed glass - now just a trash
Causing the very memory of it's beauty, so very harsh;
My eyes spilled, playing perfectly it's part,
the tears from the very tear in my heart!

Should I allow the mess and memories to clear?
or should I still hold it dear?
Would it give me the same pride as when it was new?
or would the pieces cut my fingers through?
I know not the answers to any of these -
All I know is, the vase is no more in one piece!

Yet another day?

2006-01-24T22:18:00.000-08:00

The morning dawns and I feel the freshness in every breath. Every single ray of sun seems to be signs of hope. Hope to life; life as you expect to be. I feel I need company in celebrating this excitement... I switch on the radio immediately, one habit I had left long back since I left my hostel. I hear a beautiful melody... "Chukar mere manko..." Well, I dissolve with the music and the lyrics for those few moments, silently congratulating myself for sheer luck of not missing any bit of the song.

Whose voice is this, that I hear? "Hello Manju aunty!" It's Derius (excuse me for the spelling). One of the oldest, yet hottest RJ and undoubtedly my favorite! Howmany ever programs I used to listen I feel this person manages more elegantly, more naturally and more beautifully than anybody else hosting in Radiocity. You just can't stop laughing for the rest of the ad for his Top 8 at 8 show and finally your heart is not with you when he finishes "Ya baby!"

I run around for the rest of the day with office and house chores to find myself available for almost the end of Top 8 at 8... I've been missing this program too for quite a while. I hear a female voice, so familiar that it immediately rings a bell... it's Sunaina. Gosh! She's back after some 2-3 years!! And the same petty quarrels that she and Derius make to keep the show lively... Till the show ends, I feel myself back in time, in those days in my hostel, in my room, on my bed... and remember anything and everything related to that time! It's so good to indulge oneself in such luxuries... something you missed and surprisingly got back when you least expected! It was yet another day but with a difference- a mild smile on my face when I retire to sleep.

A story, not so uncommon

2006-01-19T00:01:00.000-08:00

An independant old house in the middle of the bustling city, but pretty isolated from the noise and dust of the crowd, sad in it's looks... the bricks showing at quite a few places and the wood worn out in the roof. The chill winter winds are rustling the dried leaves that cover the front of the house. A small dog of pomarenian breed, with a small bell tied to it's neck, runs out of the house chased by a small boy of around seven years. He is dressed in short pants and fullsleeves and there are giggles disturbing the otherwise silent place.

An old woman sits in the portico, close to the door, just right enough to have an eye on the outside. Her wrinkles are clearly seen in the day light when she is busy trying to makeout the letters from the local newspaper. She ofcourse has a pair of spectacles but havent quite found it useful for the past few months. She also has a hearing aid adding up as an extra layer to her tender ears. She has a very thin frame, almost sunk - timid and small into the rocking chair.

A voice resonates from inside the house. "Babloo... come and drink your milk" The boy still giggles and plays with the dog not minding his mother's call. The voice raises "Babloo! Did you finish your homework yet? Now, stop playing and come in." The boy looksup sensing the threat to his freedom and happiness and turns towards his granny. She was watching him closely and that is enough to tell him "Come to me, child!" He runs, hugs her and says "I'll finish the homework later, mom. I have one more day to go to school" The granny caresses him affectionately and says "Yes Neeta, let him play when he wants to. He has an entire day to do the other work, doesnt he" Her voice shivers and breaks in between due to the ripe age while she manages to shape up the words without her teeth. She hears back "Babloo... come inside....now!" She gives a sorry look to the boy and helplessly trying to console him, says "Why wouldnt you finish your homework and then play, beta? Then your mom wont say anything!" placing her hand in his cheeks. He tossess her hands off in anger and walks in. She could understand his anger. What she couldnot understand is the indifference that Neeta has been showing her.

She sinks into the chair rocking herself a little bit and fixing her eyes on the red post box tied to the white gates of her house. When she looks at me, I feel she looks beyond me. When I speak to her, she never seemed to have heard it. When I look at her and try to smile, I couldnt see a muscle move in her face. Neeta was not like this when she came to this house, wedded to Rahul, nine years ago. She was the sweetest girl I ever found and I have the same soft corner for her even now. What have I done that could have upset her? For the past couple of years, I have not got a straight response from her! At this point, a surge of anguish and frustration makes her pale cheeks turn pink. She closes her eyes to hide herself within her.

Babloo comes and wakes his granny...
"Granny, lunch is ready. Come, I'm hungry!"
"Oh dear, did I doze off?" she asks, surprised at herself. She smiles at the boy, a smile so radiant like a child's, for she now knows the boy has his anger gone and is back in her arms. Isnt it how it is supposed to be? Anger or disappointment dissolved with time?

It's around five-thirty in the evening and the granny is in her designated place, the rocking chair, still with the same news paper. A cute girl enters the gates and smiles at her but she seems to have trouble recognizing her.
"Who is this sweet girl?" saying so, she drags the kid a bit closer.
The kid says smilingly, "Granny, I'm Nimmi! You forgot?"
Nimmi's mother says "Just thought we would invite you neighbours for her birthday party tomorrow"
"Oh, how nice. Why dont you go in? Neeta is at home"
Neetha receives them in the hall.
"Aunty, tomorrow's my birthday. Will you come to wish me?"
"Oh, yes my dear... definitely!" Neeta smiles so elegantly and looks up at Nimmi's mother. "So, you are able to manage the party arrangements? Do tell me if we can do anything for you."
Nimmi's mother smiles appreciatively. "We have not finished with the arrangements quite yet.... So, can I count all four of you for the party?"
"Surely!" says Neeta, just realizing the count of four, hurrys to say "Well, granny wont be coming"
"Oh why not? I donot see her go out. She can come over atleast for a change"
"I wish. But what can she do but to sit there alone when we would be busy with arrangements?"
Seeing a slight disappointment in Nimmi's face and the unconvinced look on her mother's Neeta quickly adds "And her health is not quite good. Rahul will not allow her to strain herself"."Babloo doesnt have school tomorrow. We shall come over by morning and help you with the arrangements!" Neeta finishes with a kind tone.

Granny can listen to this from outside. Something was strange in Neeta's reply, or, was it all normal? She couldn't quite understand it wholly nor does she have any strength to try and think about it anymore. She decides to sleep early today.

It is next day morning. The sun is bright and morning light fills the whole house with vibrance. Granny is back on her chair in the verandah, looking at the trembling leaves and smiling at the chirping birds. There is she and the house, left all to themselves. Suddenly it all dawns on her.... that which has been troubling her for all this while.

"What 'can' she do?" - Is that it? The reason for all this indifference? All these days? The way she has been treating me... as if I am dead already when I'm still breathing? The unbiased impartial unconcern for something (someone) that is totally useless to her? What more pain and humiliation can anyone give me than this? Is there no value for all the love and care I showered on them? Is there no importance in my existence to any one, any more? Where is all my dignity gone all of a sudden? Am I... really dead?

She couldnot cry. She couldn't swallow or say a word. There is a numbness she is feeling through out her body - when she's deliberately trying to resist what she is feeling.... trying to be indifferent to herself, when she had just realized, rather, heared it all. Everything blacks-out when she closes her dry aching eyes. She could no more feel the sun or the birds. She is looking all the more tiny in that chair than ever and the house, all the more mournful!

When CPda came...

2006-01-17T03:59:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to record this before it dissolves in time. CPda's visit this time was too short - not more than 3 hours of chat and lunch we had together... ofcourse, given the understanding that he had so many things to do in the shortest span he had got. So sweet of CPda to bring us chocolates, dolls and short wine glasses (that were not more than 4 cms in height) and Biju's wine bottle all the way from Cyprus! Fortunately for me, he came straight to my house. There are some advantages with breaking one's ankle, you see! And I made the terrible mistake of inviting Skely over, before CP came. Otherwise I would have happily taken the entire pack of chocolates without much noise! When I took the big pack of Toblerone CP was shouting "Un attooliyathukku oru alave illaya?" accompanied by a deadly stare from skely, I had to compromise with just one piece :(

So there was CPda's bag full of gifts and he was looking like a Santa Clause who came a bit later than Christmas! I never really minded the "later" part though! I was digging into his bag in search of something that interested me when he was screaming at me telling not to touch the wine bottle as it was exclusively for Biju! How more selfish can anyone get? Not that I'm in a habit of drinking or anything... it's just not good manners to tell someone that something you have got is not for them! Then my hands lay on a soft toy...the "Spring Giraffee!" I liked it instantly and I was about to say I'm going to take that, just in time when CP said "DD you take that, I bought it for you!" How sweet of you, CP!!

Then we three were sitting and chatting till Dada got himself decent enough to come out of his house and join us at "Friends" (a near by restraunt). So, the lunch was done interspersed with gossips and laughter. We all were telling CP that he has gotten a few inches added to his height but he was determined not to believe us for some mysterious reason!

So all those who were with us in India and who have gone abroad for work or studies, next time you people come to India, you are supposed to follow the basic code of ethics of getting people in India, atleast people like me who havenot travelled abroad at all, some gift... well, any gift from soft toys to chocolates to perfume to anything that comes to your mind! Next time I hope I donot have to bug-threaten-get gifts from you ;)

To meetup with friends, especially after long is like a long awaited drizzle... But this wets the mind and heart for longer time than just a drizzle!

A post after long

2006-01-17T02:58:00.000-08:00

Why was I suddenly into the invisible mode in my blog? No prizes for correct guesses. Because, simply because, of tons of office work!!! I seriously doubt that someone should have (mis)informed my manager that I've been doing all sorts of timepass activities here and that's why he decided to test my dedication to work by assigning me in two projects in addition to an internal work that never gets counted! Phew!! That was hectic...well, HECTIC (hope that sounded appropriate)!!

No, I've not become a workaholic yet. Shhhhhh....I was doing something else apart from office work! I got this book "Yes Prime Minister" from the library. Heared about this book from Krish actually. Krish, you listening (er...reading) this? I'm almost half way through the book now.

One page you sit and read and you are thoroughly relaxed with the entertainment it floods you with. The play with words, the interpretations and misinterpretations, the politics, the plots and the people... it's so damn real practical humor! Here's a bit of the dialogue for you if you haven't come across it yet:

...
BW:"Prime Minister, I do know the Foreign Office always keeps everything from everybody"
JH:"So who would know?"
BW:"May I just clarify the question? You're asking who would know, what it is that I don't know and you don't know but the Foreign Office know that they know, that they are keeping from you so that you don't know but they do know, and all we know is that there is something we don't know and we want to know but we don't know what because we don't know. Is that it?"
JH:"May I clarify the question? Who knows Foreign Office secrets apart from the Foreign Office?"
...

Hmmm.... Wish I could speak like that sometime and see the expressions I get in return! What a thrilling thing to do, seriously! :D

My first day @ Music class

2006-01-05T20:42:00.000-08:00

Heyya!! I've joined the carnatic music class finally. Well, if you rightly remember, I wanted to takeup Flute this year. But I didnt find a teacher or actually I did find 2 of them around my area, but both had stopped taking classes due to some personal reasons :( I blame it on my hard luck! So, I decided to improve my natural gift - my own voice! hehehe ;)

I peeped in hesitantly into the teacher's house where I find 4 students already singing - one in III class, one in VI I believe, other two were IT professionals around my age- one a gentleman and another was a lady. This cute young girl in III standard (her name is Shubha) is quite naughty. She said, "Uncle, today I want to listen to you singing in high pitch!" His voice was quite a base voice actually and I understood the prank. Did I hear her properly? Ofcourse! She was teasing him like anything and he was trying to escape anything directed from her. 'If this was the condition to some person already in the group, what will happen to a fresher like me', I was contemplating. She was a year senior to me there! :O

The teacher was always in smiles interspersed with false anger whenever the students didnot doing their homework or were making mistakes! I was sitting there, trying to get used to the feel of the place and the people over there, quietly listening, until all of my seniors had finished their practise. Then it was my turn! The teacher said, "Now, repeat what I'm singing. I want to check your voice." It was as if I had entered some interview or exam hall... a sudden heaviness in my heart and shivering in my voice when I heard myself echoing alone in the room. She said "Your voice is very good!" I was relaxed, not to mention I was self impressed too ;)

There was another important person in the hall- the teacher's mom, I think. The paati (grandma, around 80-85 years) was asking me what I was doing, where I was working and stuff, in typical paati's chatting style. She managed to converse very well in English and I presume it gave her some sort of pride in doing so. When I was about to leave, she was pointing at me and told her daughter "beautiful countenance." The teacher was giving a blank look, so did I. Now the paati was quick to ask "Do you know what is countenance?" The teacher said "no", to which the paati smiled with all pride and said "face". The teacher turned to me with a "too much!" kinda smile with raised eyebrows! The paati was such a cute darling, believe me!!

Discovered something nice!

2006-01-04T08:26:00.000-08:00

I've been using Gmail for quite a few months now but this is the first time I ever opened the Trash or Spam folders. And there is something interesting I found today! Have you noticed the Web Clips that appear whenever Inbox is opened? To spot it exactly, you can find it just above the buttons & "More Actions" drop down. You can even set the preferences of these RSS feeds in your Gmail Settings.

But there is something different with Trash and Spam folders. Trash has "Recycling Facts" listed out there and Spam has "Spam Recipies" both of which I found as really cool! And the Sponsored links section that hangs towards your right is another thing worth noting- AdSense! Depending on the core topic of your message, the links are listed. The list changes with every message you open! And all that in lightning speed :) Way to go, gooooogle!

I found this very cool site when I stumbled on exactly this part of it!

Did we ever think of this!

2006-01-02T23:33:00.000-08:00

I stumbled upon this site which lists a 100 tips to be a successful Evil Overlord! Here are a few that made me go rolling with laughter... :))

# When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought, I'll shoot him and then say "No."

# One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

# The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

# Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

# I will hire a fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legion of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

# I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

# When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys that happens to follow him around.

# I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him and say "And here is the price for failure." then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

# I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

# My Legion of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

# If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

# If I must have a computer system with publicly available terminals, the maps they display will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

# I will not tell my Legion of Terror "And he must be taken alive-" the command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonable practical."

# If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

# I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 stones of power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more alone the lines of "Push the button/"

# Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free, unlimited internet access.

The 2006 Kickoff!

2006-01-01T23:58:00.000-08:00

Any festival or celebration, for the last few years, has had me sitting in front of the TV, watching all the special programs, surfing channels and passing time from home. But, this new year, for a change, had me on the move the whole day!

My brother had planned to go to the big Shiva temple in Thiruvannamalai with his friends. I had been there once, when I had gone on a school trip - some time in high school. It's been many months already, since we as a family, went on a trip like this. With my dad too showing interest in joining the journey, we two squeezed in. So, we quickly finished our breakfast by 9.00 and set out in our car. The place as roughly 3 hours drive from my place. It was mostly enjoyable but for the potholes and bad roads that showed up in between.

We reached the temple at 12pm praying that it should be open atleast till we have the darshan. I heard the natives saying "I had not expected this much crowd in the middle of the day!" A huge crowd and long queue received us at the entrance. With my endangered foot, I was not sure whether to go inside or to return back. "Return back? We came all the way to just return back?" was pricking at the back of my mind. So, before I could decide, I found myself already in a sea of humans - surrounded by all those who arrived after us... leaving no chance to think of returning back now!

So we were there, kaal kadukka (with legs paining) standing in the long queue, with chill margazhi (winter) breeze ruffling our clothes every now and then, and we, trying all possible conversations and distractions to push the time. It was not before some 2.5 to 3 hours that we could get the darshan which lasted for 3-4 seconds! But it was worth the wait. The shivalinga had Vibhoodi alankaaram (sacred ash decoration) and was looking awesome!

After visiting other shrines we finally came out just in time to meet one of our friends, who dragged us along to his house for lunch. With everybody's stomach growling with hunger at 4pm, we were so much grateful for the tasty homefood! mmMmm!
By the time we returned, I had just enough time to call up few people to wish for the new year and pack up for my trip back to bangalore! Hope the year too is as eventful and memorable as the start of it!

One Last Time...

2005-12-29T22:02:00.001-08:00

one last time...

one last time let me kiss your cheek
one last time let me show all my care
one last time let me feel your skin
one last time let me hold your hands
one last time let me sleep in your lap
one last time let your voice soak my heart
one last time bury me in your warmth
one last time let your fragrance fill my lungs
one last time let me hold you in a hug
one last time let me see the sparkle in your eyes
one last time forgive all my lies
one last time let your faint smile pierce me through
one last time believe me when I say I love you

just this one last time!

Wishes

2005-12-28T23:35:00.000-08:00

Bitter moments forgotten
and left alone;

Warm ones cherished
and carried along...

Looking ahead always
and moving on;

Promising all hopes
may the new year dawn!

Wish you all a very happy & fulfilling new year!

Some favorites, some dreaded

2005-12-27T20:40:00.000-08:00

How many subjects, their respective books and not to forget the staff that handled them, have given us company, right from the day we all stepped into our schools... From the "English Rhymes" book that had a 'guitar & "pussy" cat' picture in it to cursive writing to formulae to political-physical maps to chemical equations to Mughal dynasty to Thamizh seyyul padalgal to third language as Hindi and what not. Quite a rich (re)collection!

My toughest time, I would say I had, was with Maths. Oh, I hated it with all my heart. Why should I be interested in some snail crawling up the stick or when the two strange people (or for that matter trains or cars) meet covering some distance in opposite directions? And dont even ask about memorising the multiplication tables! I remember my maths "classwork" notebook to be full of striken out pages and blots of ink screaming out that something went really really wrong then! oh, that was a bad time in fifth or sixth class. But somehow I grew to ignore the 'why' part and just concentrate on the 'what's - the formulae, the problem, the same old standard approach... It was easier then to score marks. Life becomes easier when you donot question or think, isnt it? Strange!

Then came the social studies. The early morning exam preparations, the writing down and memorising the "capital of Jammu and Kashmir" to "folk dance of Assam and Bihar". As if this was not enough, I had to read about everything around the world too. Mississippi - how much I struggled to get that spelled right to my dad then! Phew!! When it came to maps, I was quite happy with the colors and symbols :) I liked History for the great things we studied about but felt Civics to be more dry and full of rules and procedures! The preamble... aggggrrrhh!! We used to play "book cricket" with history books as it had the maximum number of pages!

My neighbour aunty's favorite passtime was to read my Tamizh classwork and homework notebooks! This subject had great many trouble makers in groups like "na,Na; la,La,zha; ra,Ra" and so on. Actually, even I do the same now, when I get hold of my younger cousin's tamizh notes. Once I asked my cousin (studying second standard) to read what he had written. Instead of "Oosai" he read it as "Onach" ROTFL! I should admit I liked the seyyul songs- the kambaraamayanam, puranaanooru, aganaanooru, abhirami andhaadi... anything I missed out here?

English - This always topped the list whenever I putdown all the subject I had, but I never felt any special affection or disgust towards it. Pretty non-aligned, I should say. Well, in nineth class, when we had the group activities like presenting a radio show and stuff, I quite enjoyed it and thats the only memory ever left for this subject.

First of my favorite subjects is Science, more specifically biology and then physics when it was later split into 3 separate books. Chemistry again was such a dry mystery. Too much to remember without making any sense to yourself. Anything with living things, the cells, the body parts and their operation, the brain, the diagrams - everything was so much fascinating and nothing else made somuch sense. I never felt any inclination to Computers in school except that it was very easy- the binary, hexa, octa arithmetic & generations of computers and such. So here I'm, a software professional, who was very passionate about biology until fate decided otherwise!

The third language, Hindhi class, was more like a recreation class than any serious learning. Luckily or otherwise, our Hindi teacher happened to be our music teacher too. She was pretty old lady and would forget what subject she was to take during that period. She used to enter our class for Hindhi period and start singing :D Great fun we had, especially in confusing her out and getting cute scoldings from her! "Naalu naalaiku uppillaama kanji oothina elaam sariya poidum!", she used to say. (If you are given saltless starch food for four days, everything would be alright!) Very cute, indeed! By the way, after thinking and writing about all this, I felt so good to find this!

I watched King Kong

2005-12-25T01:08:00.000-08:00

It was a late night show (10.30pm) that my brother had booked for three of us- me, my brother and his friend. I was not sure if I could go for it, as I had an official call to attend at 9.00. With all confusion, I finally gave up on it and asked him to cancel my ticket. At 10.00 my brother was back home with two tickets in hand, just to find out his friend had some last minute work and couldnot accompany him. But luck favored me as my call had gotten over soon and I was more than happy to say "I can accompany you if you want!" ;)

The movie, I heard, had gobbled lots of dollars. That was something my brother was very much interested in. The fortress- the forest- entry of Guerilla- the barbarians- the old NY city- neat work! This is the first time I'm watching a King Kong movie. So donot expect any comparisons to any previous releases. The way the natives (barbarians) were shown is just amazing. It reminds us "Getting lost in a new place, that too an abandonned place, is not an easy-peasy adventure!" The fight between guerilla and the dinosaurs is beyond words for appreciation. Complete entertainment, I should say! The ending was sad though... I couldnt watch the guerilla being killed to slow death towards the end of the movie. And the guerilla showing "Sunset is so beautiful" and the end "The beast dying for the beauty" reminds me of "Ramanarayanan" movies! One character I admire in the story, and quite nicely played too, is Carl Denham, who is outright disgusting yet practical enough to thrive in this world.

Funny!

2005-12-23T08:50:00.000-08:00

My head is growing heavy every minute, as I stroll through the thickly populated shopping mall doing some urgent purchases for my brother. "It is especially crowded today for the Christmas celebrations" I think. I can't particularly distinguish the reason for my headache... the lack of sleep last night due to a late night movie or the lack of oxygen amidst the crowd or the twisted nerve in my neck creating some strange effect on my head muscles or the hunger pinching my stomach... All that I could say is, I'm uncomfortable and I badly need some diversion. I look at everything possibly happening around me.

A girl of seven or eight years, wearing a long red skirt is walking with her parents. She looks uncomfortable with her tight clothes and adjusts it every second. I see her and she gives me a sorry look. Funny! A man walking in front of me with a mobile sticking to his ears. His shirt is full of roses and leaves... so feminine. Funny! The announcement screams "Mr and Mrs. xxx Please come to xxx reception area as we have found your son!" Funny! I'm inside a shoe store when I suddenly see the crowd stop for a second and then there is concern on everyone's face. The security guard of the shop peeps out of the door and explains to another fellow that a child had slipped and fallen down. I donot get the exact details but he continues to say "What a woman she is? Why does she have a baby when she cannot take care of it?" Funny!

Funny people and funny world... It offers us so much that there is just no time to ponder on our own worries!

So, what has been keeping me busy?

2005-12-19T09:13:00.000-08:00

Well, I had been clearing my inbox that had accumulated, unread mails right from the time I had gone on sick-vacation. phew! And that coupled with frequent crashes of the Thunderbird mail client 1.0.6 showing some ghostly "memory referencing" error! Just then I was told about a Firefox browser extension "Stumble upon"... only to find out my Firefox was not installing any new themes or extensions... Hmm, something majorly screwed up with either my system or with Mozilla.

Now I've upgraded both the browser and mail client to 1.5 version :) And tried out some new extensions on both... Nice time I should say. One click to remove duplicate mails, some nice icons showing up on the actions menu, one click to check gmails... and yeah, the "Stumble upon"... to discover new sites, new information, to keep you hooked... way too cool for ultimate timepass.

Precious to me

2005-12-08T23:50:00.000-08:00

Tagged by CK for quite sometime!

Click to see all

All that CK and Anu have already written are in my list too :) And here are a few more things that I treasure, that I consider rare, that I relish thoroughly... in short, that I think are precious!

* Freedom of choice, of life
* Soothing music
* Dancing to beats
* Time
* Aching muscles after enjoying some physical activity
* Achievement after a tough fight
* Innocence
* Self esteem
* Fun & celebration
* Imagination
* Peace, stillness of mind
* Smell of filter coffee
* Silence when I center on myself
* Nature
* Creativity and my creations
* Anything and everything about a baby - it's eyes the smile, the walk, the talk!
* Red rose
* Hearty laughter
* Ganesha idol that I carry with me from school days
* Flute and Krishna
* My mother's reminiscence

Something to show off

2005-12-07T20:35:00.000-08:00

When you are in a stadium cheering and screaming for your team along with thousand others... and for a few seconds you are picked out by the camera's watchful eyes and zoomed on to the big screen taking you up above the crowd around you right into the cloud nine! And it doesn't stop there.... they come to you personally and ask for a pose for their newspaper!! Isnt that a reason to show off?

My cousins in saffron and green with their friend in white

2006 Resolute Declarations

2005-12-06T22:34:00.000-08:00

Tagged by Chells!

The word "Resolution" has somehow, so implicitly, got this dragging along with it that "Resolutions are meant to be broken!" Hmm, now that someone did really ask me on my resolute declarations, why shouldn't I give it a serious try rather than faking myself with all excuses? So, here are all what I could think of for 2006.

* Cook my own food (ofcourse, without hurting myself :P )
* Be alive in blogosphere
* Read more, write more and speak more on more (think more?)
* Learn swimming and flute

Will keep this list updated when I comeup with more 'to-do's or still better, when I achieve something :)

So, anybody interested in continuing this chain, can do so. Lemme not explicitly tag anyone this time.

Memento - watched it?

2005-12-02T20:52:00.000-08:00

Tried reading something through a mirror? How does it feel? The sheer excitement of doing something out of the way! It's the very same I felt watching 'Memento'.

You start with the climax. "Well, whats so different in that?" Yeah, there is... The flow of this film is like rewinding by a few scenes and playing to the point where you started earlier. Once you reach the previous start, you again rewind some more to find how things unfold to reach the latest start. Ultimate thriller, I should say! And the way it ends, oh you gotta see it!!

My brother and me are still debating on whose perception of the story is more logical... more correct :) Heard this happened with almost everyone who saw this movie, so should I call that confusing or flexible or challenging?

PS: Donot remind me of Gajini here.

SION days

2005-11-30T00:47:00.000-08:00

Dedicated to all the sweetest people who share my sweet memories with SION!

To call that any hostel, even now I hesitate;
It's my second home where I had freedom's first taste!
Golden memories of it, I carefully preserve
deep in my heart, where they very well deserve.

The times we chatted into the stillness of nights
When we felt so good turning on those flowery lights;
When we found closeness in sharing a few bites
Across distance, these memories, still holding us tight.

My cozy bed at a corner of our room
Baloons, roses and posters decorating my walls
Where peace, joy and cheer ever bloomed;
Where anyone, who entered, came to pamper my doll!

When I returned from work - tired of pressure and pollution
To lie down and sleep - was all i could think of then;
But all that turned out to be an illusion
when I heared 'Haai's and 'Hello's welcoming me in!

When we teased each other and played pranks;
Where I learnt I needed to just hold hands -
when someone was down, someone was upset
I found a simple hug would be the best thing to get!

When we decorated our room for roomie's birthdays
When we smuggled the cake and gifts to give surprise
When pizzas were home delivered and icecreams ordered
I dint know that was life's yummiest slice!

When sharing was voluntary, that showed no boundary
From roadside romeos to the daily office chores -
When everything was spoken out, anything was talked about
Life seemed so light and heaven showed by our side!

At times I hated to enter my room, to look at the empty bed by my side -
glaring at the blank walls and occassionally at TV in the hall;
I saw the golden leaves carried by the wind of time, to places afar
yet, their shadows remain tightly knotted in memories of our past!

dissolved identity

2005-11-23T20:38:00.000-08:00

pricking cold,
dripping clouds,
soothing breeze,
searing sun,

morning freshness,
golden sunset,
every mood
ever reminds...

your thoughts
your essence;
incessant fragrance -
your presence!

misty mind
clouded thoughts -
accepted sometimes
sometimes fought.

closing eyes
shutting senses -
into you
i dissolve.

your reflections
i amassed
did mine
ever cross?

ask me
i'll assert
your abundance -
my dearth!

A Hell of an Adventure!

2005-11-22T05:28:00.000-08:00

We went to chennai last weekend. It seemed a usual trip, the two-day break from bangalore's hostilities to find solace in family and relations. My brother and I were preparing for our return on Sunday night when my brother's health decided to extend his stay and my work-pressure shrinking mine. So I was there in the sleeper bus yesterday night unaccompanied. The journey began smoothly, ontime. Will the Chennai rains ruin tomorrow's match?

Everything was peaceful. Lost in train of thoughts from different tracks, I fell fast asleep, waking up occassionally to the turns and jerks of the bus and shouts of our driver that unanimously proclaimed him to be the single soul alive out there. In between I felt the bus was not moving for sometime, but I was half awake then and couldnot even imagine why or for how long. My cellphone screamed to my preset alarm at 5.30am and I inquired on when the bus is reaching my stop, only to hear that we were 3 hours away. A what? I looked at the cleaner in disbelief. "Mam, the bus was struck in a jam for almost 2-3 hours now." My mind quickly calculated it to be around 9am. Gosh!!

What am I to do till then? I was feeling hungry already. The best option was to sleep again, I decided. Hardly an hour would have passed when I heard screeching of tyres, crackling of front glasses, sparkling glass pieces forcefully thrown into the bus, and I found my entire weight forcing itself to balance on my operated foot. Was everything okie? Is my foot fine? Will I be able to walk? I looked at my copassengers. Everybody were looking at eachother, absolutely confused and blank. People started getting down slowly. With my foot's condition uncertain, I sat there waiting for someone to give a clear instruction on backup plans. I heard the drivers of both the buses quarrel and people gathering around them, talking for and against both of them.

Minutes later, the driver called us out to vacate the bus and said there was another private bus waiting to pick us up. Fortunately I carried no luggage. I stepped into the driver's cabin to find the usual exit door completely jammed into the other bus's middle portion. I had to climb up the driver's seat and get down his way. Did I see blood? Was the driver and his helper okie? What happened to the passengers in the other bus that made a T-joint with ours? Thanks to the compartment arrangement of seats, no body was hurt by the glasses atleast. Phew! Before I realize what was going on, I was on the road, heading towards the other bus.

I wended through the baggages and people in the new bus to find a single seat at the back row. Thank God! I was looking out of the window still pulling myself together. The morning sky, the just rained road, the soaked trees - plants, how beautiful! That was all the strength I could get then. The bus wouldnot have moved even an hour now, when it was standing on one side of the road and the driver talking to some people. What now?

A person, short and dark, in checked brown shirt and black pant, with a streak of sacred ash on his forehead came in, asking "Whose bag is this?" "Whose bag is that?" When he reached the back seat, we found there were 2 abandoned bags near my legs. Noone was ready to take ownership of them. He opened it and took out a big black polythene bag sealed properly. When he cut it open, we could see white powdery material within transparent polythene. Is it some movie scene I'm imagining? Why am I going so wild suddenly? Where am I?

He looked at me, "whose is this?" "I donot know sir, I donot have any luggages." He enquired people around too. The bag was seized. After a few minutes, again people started getting down. The person next to me and his companions in the front seat too got down. When they got in, the problematic bags returned to their previous place and an official in white and white followed. "Why did they put back the bags?", I asked my copassenger. He said "May be they dint have anything illegal in them." "Oh!?!"

The official in white & white called for the cleaner and inquired about the bag. The cleaner, poor chap, was not sure either. The officer started shouting "Will the driver be sitting and checking bags or is it your duty?" "Should I take you both to task?" *Silence* Passengers travelling in the same bus from the beginning said this bag had come in between. Poor cleaner was spared. "Okie, so who came in between?" I was one of them who changed buses in between. Realizing this, I started blinking! The person next to me was inquired and he said he was about to go to Malaysia tonite and hence his companions had come to see him off. They along with the bags were removed from the bus after quite a confusion and inquiry. The bus was started moving another half an hour. Did I calculate 9.00am? Well, how about making it to 10.00? Huh!!

I was happy I found place to keep my foot up, comfortably. Were they really criminals? Was I sitting so close to criminals? I haven't seen such people in life! How to judge such people? How did police find out? One of the three accused returned with a police officer searching for a third bag, to find one just behind my seat. Was I sitting amidst packets of BrownSugar early in the morning? YIKES!! How did they find there were 3 bags in total? All three had that white packet sealed in a black polythene. Whoww!! Our police department is brilliant!

At 10.30, I was at my home, safe and sound... bit limping, bit swaying and still recovering from the shock! Rains... road blocks... collision... damaged foot... brownsugar... police... one hell of an adventure that was!

Why I hate working from home!

2005-11-14T22:13:00.000-08:00

The day starts with my brother taking priority in almost everything from brushing his teeth to reading newspaper to having a bath. When he leaves for office, I'm forced to keep waiting so that I can immediately attend to my maid at the door, lest she has an easy excuse to skip that day's work! "Oh, I came mam, but you dint open the door!" Grrrr! The maid again takes priority in occupying my bathroom...oh, poor me!! :-(
By the time everyone leave me alone, I get too late that I sit with my laptop and start checking mails (I strictly mean office mails) and do work (Again I strictly mean office work). Before I finish my first round of routine work, it's already time I started thinking about lunch- waaaaaaait, I was saying I had to plan on what to prepare for my lunch. Cooking is another big task...hmmm! Then I would have my lunch and feel so heavy that I cant take a bath immediately afterwards either! Here, it becomes too cold in the evenings that any possibility of a bath then is totally ruled out! And my day ends without a bath!!

Oh, how I hate working from home!!

Me

2005-11-14T05:11:00.000-08:00

From yellow to orange to red
Flowers held in a single basket
Some dark and some of light shade
My life I see as a bouquet.

Moments of remembrance galore
Bright and dull - these moments.
The variety in me I adore
Like the rhythms of sonnets!

Every color adds to the richness
So does every fragrance of the bunch!
Every facet adds to my abundance
Thats bout me pretty much!

Thanks Gandhi for tagging me... I just enjoyed doing this one :-)

Now lemme tag these guys... Anupama, Krish and CK!

Costly Innocence?

2005-11-12T20:11:00.000-08:00

"Mamma, mamma... what are you getting me for this children's day?"
"Oh, a big balloon?"
"Noooooooo!"
"A new dress?"
"mammmmaaaaaaaaaa!"
"What else do you want dear?"
"There is a special jewellery collection for kids in .... for this Children's day. They are soooooo cuteeeeee!"

Get your child the stunning jewellery collections at ... especially for this children's day and see your childs' face lightup!

Got t0 hear something similar of this ad in Radiocity yesterday... Grrrrrrrrrrrr!!!

Monday, November 7, 2005

2005-11-08T10:52:00.001-08:00

The clock showed 10 minutes to 10 pm. It was a small reception room of a small hospital - with an attached dispensary - in the basement of the possibly rented building. I was hiding myself in my "Just Naturals" jacket and a wollen scarf from the chill winds of the rainy bangalore night. My temperature was running up and down at random and my head pressing hard against my shoulders indicating pain. I was wondering if there were any doctors on duty at that time, but my brother was there telling me that he had checked the availability already.

I sat there in one of those black steel chairs, empty due to odd hours of my visit. I sat there waiting to be attended. The receptionist-cum-compounder looked at me finally after rejecting a few pleading looks from me. I asked for a general physician and he began punching a few numbers on the green phone on his desk.
"There is a patient, waiting." "ok."
I was wondering if I heared it as a patient or a scrape-goat. I turned to my brother, my eyes shouting a known fear of doubt. He reassured me.
"Whoever that doctor is, definitely he would have studied atleast MBBS and that is more than enough to treat you!"
I guessed he meant 'your illness' rather than the literal 'you' there! Somehow I was satisfied with that explanation! Well, I desparately wanted some explanation and this sounded far more logical than any wild excuse! We were waiting for the "doctor" to come.

Minutes later a woman rushed in, middle-aged, loose-hair, sleeveless - red and white salwar, worry dominating the tiredness in her face, her breath hinting her urgency.
"Can you please give me the blood-pressure apparatus? I need it to check the BP of... There is no one else at home. I've left things as such and come here. I've to get back home soon. I'll bring it as soon as I get it checked or you can come with me and check it up for me, or do send a sister with me... I'll drop her back in my vehicle too... it would hardly take 5 minutes..."

She was standing there, but seemed as though she was on her knees, begging.
"But I've to get the Doctor's permission..."
"Oh please do something soon, dont you see it's urgent? We donot know if the medicine's effect will hold the pressure to normal for long. I need to check it..."
She was holding a mobile phone, a hair band, a bunch of keys (probably the car keys) in her hands, occasionally clasping them out of impatience. And there he was, standing in front of her, so cool, so proud, as if he's being honored with 'The god of all worlds' title for some noble reason he alone can explain. He turned to share his honor and joy with his fellow being, explaining in kannada, what she had been asking him for all this while in hindi and in the process radiating a shameless smile.

That smile left me completely numb for few minutes that I even lost track of the very pain I was supposed to feel. Before I could think what was going on, the "doctor" had arrived and I went in for "consultation". He took some 3 minutes to get our prescription scribbled on a writing pad. We got our medicines billed by the receptionist himself and started walking out. But she was still standing there, waiting for 'the god of all worlds' to show mercy on her...

Was I to slap him for that shameless sinful smile?
Was I to blame her for not getting the patient admitted in hospital for proper care instead of making such hopeless attempts in the last moment?
Was I to ask the doctor who had attended me to help her out? Atleast that was the reason he was giving all that while!
Was I to blame myself for being a mute spectator to all this drama and then cribbing about it later when not a single word of what I write or what I even think is going to matter to her?

Arz kiya hai...

2005-11-02T19:00:00.000-08:00

Neend khoyi- mein
chane khoyi;
Yahan thak ki - saans
lena bhi bhool gayi...

Kuch khaa na paayi
kuch pee na sakhi - ab
bolun to kya bolun
haal jo bhi meri...

Usse jaake poocho
jisne kiya hai aisi -
Aur koi nahi yaaron, wahi
Sardi, zukhaam aur khaansi!

Translation in English:
I lost my sleep and peace;
I even forgot to breath!
I'm unable to eat or drink anything-
now what will I say about my condition?
Go and ask the one who did this to me...
It's none other than the Cold-fever-cough!

Well, zukhaam is fever rite??? Watever, I got that from "Vicks Vaporub" ad!

Happy Diwali

2005-10-28T01:30:00.000-07:00

Sweets, new dress, oil bath, pooja, lamps, friends, TV programs, film releases, gifts, long holidays, rememberance, wishes, get2gethers, ten thousand wallas, rockets, fountains, ground-chakras, smoke, petty quarrels for larger share of crackers & sweets, the light, the sound, the excitement filling the air...

H a p p y D i w a l i !

சர்க்கரை நிமிடம்

2005-10-26T00:11:00.000-07:00

பக்கம் வந்து
நின்ற நீயும்
என்னைக் கடந்தாய் -
கண்டுகொள்ளாதது போல்!

நீ கண்டு கொள்ளாததை
நானும் கண்டேன்;
உன்னை அறிந்தவளாய்
சிரித்துக் கொண்டேன்!

சற்று தூரம்
சென்று நீயும்
திரும்பிப் பார்த்தாய் - நான்
எதிர்பார்த்தது போல்!

நீ பார்த்ததை
நான் உணர்ந்தேன்!
நான் உணர்ந்ததை நீ பார்க்கத்
திரும்பினேன் நானும்!

உன்னை ஒளித்து
கண்ணைப் பறித்து
நீயோ தப்பித்தாய் -
நான் மட்டும் உறைந்து விட்டேன்!

Clearly Confused II

2005-10-25T04:53:00.000-07:00

First I thought of putting this as a followup comment, but felt it still better as a continuation post.

Krish, "facts can't be left to interpretations!" I'm unable to agree to that! Will come to it in a little while. Before that, talking of konar Thamizh urai (guide), I always found the paada puththagam (text book) far far better than konar notes! :-) And, Skely, you are heights!! :-)

Biju, what you say is very true. I completely agree upon that. Even I admire objectivism for the "Live for yourself" part. But I see problem with the "Live only for yourself" bit. Exactly, Biju! Reasoning is the process by which you apply your mind on the information acquired by your senses and derive a meaning out of it or arrive at a decision based on it. So, doesn't the phrase "basing your reasoning on facts" means interpretting the facts? When the word interpretation comes in, it definitely is relative and varies with person to person.

Also Krish, what is a fact? It is an information already derived by another person based on his first-hand experience to a situation; or that you derive based on your first-hand experience. Now, how can fact be absolute? :-(

Hi Cogito, thanks for your comments! I feel Doing what others expect us to do is different from Doing for the sake of others. Talking of Einstein or other genius for that matter, they pursued their own interests, against the regular life of an average person... bla bla... is all fine, but that again, as I said earlier, is part of "Live for yourself". Talking of 'Victims of mysterious forces', again, I can interpret it as 'no excuses for what you hold yourself responsible for'. But I do believe in fate-miracle, intuitions that don't have a logical reasoning. Will try your suggested reads sometime :-)

Hey Skely, I guess you are more confused and even more confusing than myself! :-P

As Skely said, 'Living for yourself' and 'Living for others' arrive at the same thing, from different directions- living life to the fullest of your satisfaction.

When you do something for the sake of others voluntarily (i.e when you are living for others) there is a happiness that you experience within and it may be termed as affection/ compassion/ love or whatever. And your actions need to be based on the selfishness for *that* happiness, and not on any other pressure. By pressure, I mean the morality definitions by the society (i.e what you are expected to do) or fear or force of any kind. This point of convergence of the two philosophies serves to guide us for a balanced, complete life.

Consider you are witnessing an accident victim needing help and you are on your way to an important business deal. By Objectivism's selfishness if you choose to go for your business as your higher interest, does that give you all the satisfaction? Or since there is no 'victim' concept should we say he is being punished for his own fault and we leave him as such? Or should we say he is nothing beyond himself and I'm nothing beyond myself and he's free to get himself alive? Should suppressing your monetory gains in that situation to help the victim be considered as a fake show-off behavior?

'Why should I bother about the society?' and 'why should I even think of another person?' - I'm afraid such questions can easily distort the principles of Objectivism and hence feel an explicit balance is needed.

Clearly Confused

2005-10-21T07:00:00.000-07:00

The philosophy called Objectivism, it's a philosophy with a difference for those who believe 'philosophy' as something to blindly believe in and not analysing and understanding. For, it says Reason is your means of survival. It proclaims Give me liberty or give me death, signifying that if I cannot be myself, then I better shalln't be at all!

I too am fascinated by the strength of the character Howard Roark( Fountainhead), to stand emotionally immune to people around him, nomatter what they are or do to him, be it - they hate him, they betray him, they like him, they flatter him... And thats the freedom of thought and freedom in life that Ayn Rand advocates.

To essentially summarize it in her own words,
" Man—every man—is an end in himself, not a means to the ends of others; he must live for his own sake, neither sacrificing himself to others nor sacrificing others to himself; he must work for his rational self-interest, with the achievement of his own happiness as the highest moral purpose of his life. Men must deal with one another as traders, giving value for value, by free, mutual consent to mutual benefit."

Though I admire Objectivism for all of what it is, there are definitely contradictions that clearly confuse me.
Objectivism rejects the morality in living for others. By this very phrase, I comeout with two interpretations: First, you are concerned with your own image on other people's minds, which is termed as 'second-hand living' by AynRand. Second is when your purpose is to fulfill other's purpose, that is, when you do something for other's happiness or betterment and that doesnot contribute to your personal benefit.
But dont we feel good or happy when, at the least, our smallest gesture or deed brings a smile in a total stranger's face? Talking of second-hand living, aren't we concerned about our image in our loved one's minds and abstain from doing things that may hurt their feelings?

Objectivism rejects the belief that man is a victim of forces beyond his control (such as God, fate, upbringing, genes, or economic conditions).
But are all forces in control of man? How about genetic disorders in control of the patient, for example?

Objectivism says facts are facts and your reasoning always leads you in the right path when they are based on facts.
But doesnt the interpretation of facts change based on prior knowledge, place/time, situation etc?

After all these and more confusions, I feel objectivism is too ideal, for, it just takes head(reasoning) into account and not the heart(feelings and emotions) of men. Definitely it is as essential as a person's private space around him but it is also limited to that extent.

How is it?

2005-10-12T04:14:00.000-07:00

When you have absolutely nothing to do on a holiday afternoon... A new look from this Vijayadasami! Refreshing blue and few more additions/ modifications... Howwww is it? :-)

Who says Cooking is easy?

2005-10-12T01:05:00.000-07:00

Today, though a holiday, my brother had gone out with his friends [oh, poor me!] So I thought of cooking my lunch [Actually I dint have an option, but never mind]. I started looking around for raw materials (vegetables/ pulses/ onion-tomato/ etc etc). I had soaked channa y'day night for making "sundal", something special for Vijayadasami. It was in proper form, how lucky! [ya, you have to be lucky everytime you enter the kitchen, for, you can never guarantee that what you intend to make is what you land up making!]

There was half gobi. The other half I cooked yesterday. That's a biiig story in itself... I started cooking and the electricity went off in the middle [see, one of those lucky aspects was missing then] and I couldnt see a thing properly. I had turned off the stove as my hunger was killing me and I couldnt wait any more. The dish was all fine, except that I wanted to make a Gobi fry and it turned out to be Gobi gravy! But believe me, it tasted heavenly!! mMMmm.... Hey, I'm deviating from the topic... where was I?

Han, there was half gobi. I determined to give "Gobi fry" a second attempt today! Now, what will I do for the main dish? The maidservant had not come today and half the utensils were unclean [Again those lucky stars playing around with my kitchen!]. Thank god, I had not used the cooker yesterday :-) Okie, I would make jeera rice then! Wait a minute, but doesnt that require some kozhambu (means gravy)? How many items will a single person single handedly make to have a single lunch? Uff! Hey, dint I say the channa was in good form already? :-D So that became the "Jeera-Channa-Rice". [Oh did someone say your creativity is at it's height when you are in the kitchen?]

First I started with the Gobi, coz it takes more time to cook than rice. So when it is all prepared and set on stove you can lesuirely work on the rice part! [I call that "time management" tactics]. Finally I got both the dishes set on the stove. By the time it gets cooked I thought of taking a break. So I sat down at my computer and was browsing through blogs... The cooker was warning regularly with it's whistles. When it was time, I promptly went to switch it off and oh, what was that? The gobi fry was already spreading burntout smell! OMG!!! My lunch!!! :-(
Good that the vegetable had not gotten burnt yet, only the vessel was pitch black. I had to remove the dish before it absorbs the burning odour [You have to act real fast when in a rescue operation] And there I was with a plate of gobi fry and jeera-channa-rice! :-)

With so many tactics, lucky stars and hidden parameters involved, when you say you had cooked something and it came out good, it's a very big achievement! Now, who says cooking is any easy job, huh?

தமிழ்த் தேடல்!

2005-10-09T09:26:00.000-07:00

தமிழை தமிழாக எழுதறதுன்னாலே எவ்வளவு திருப்தி! அதுவும் நாம இங்லீஷ்ல தட்ட தமிழ் எழுத்துக்கள் தானா வந்ததுன்னா இன்னும் கேக்கவா வேணும்? அதுக்கு இங்க செல்லவும்.

என்னோட இந்த தமிழ்த் தேடல்ல ஒரு தேவதையின் குட்டித் தோட்டத்தை வேர பார்க்க நேரிட்டது! அந்த சிங்களச் சாயலும், அப்பாவித்தனமும் தமிழுக்கே தனி அழகு தான்! அஞ்சலியின் தோட்டம் - நான் என்னையே மறந்த இடம்; நீங்களும் கட்டாயம் பார்க்க வேண்டிய இடம்!

What do U say?

2005-10-07T07:04:00.000-07:00

I was so fancied by this picture that I had set it as my wallpaper immediately! What do you think about it?

I'm tagged too

2005-10-05T04:23:00.000-07:00

This seems to me like one of those "soft skills" or "personality development" exercises... Hmm, lemme see how much I can fill in!

1. I like doing these:
1) Connecting with friends/ family
2) Giving surprises
3) Nature Watch
4) Singing (of course along with the radio/ player )
5) Dancing to the beats
6) Visiting new places and getting to know new people
7) Celebrations- for a birthday or festival or anything at all!

2. I'm crazy about
1) Balloons
2) Full moon
3) Almond chocolates/ Cashew burfi
4) Poetry
5) Handicraft- paintings/ embroidery
6) Red rose
7) Flute
8) And ofcourse myself!

3. I wish to learn (to have???)
1) Swimming
2) Carnatic music
3) Flute
4) Glass Painting
5) Free style dance
6) balancing different spheres of life - career/ personal/ family/ social...
7) To speak extempore

4. I say these the most
1) Hayyo hayyo
2) aaie
3) mmm; hmm; ahm (all possible fillers)
4) oh my god
5) chup be
6) nee yein ippidi irukkaie?
7) paradesi (my brother's pet name)

5. I cant
1) Stand people smoking in public
2) Watch any of the sports, live!
3) Play video games
4) Read newspaper fully
5) Solve Crossword puzzles
6) Prepare for any exams the previous day
7) Initiate anything by myself... Starting trouble! :-)

6. Things that attract me to opposite sex
1) Smile
2) Sharp eyes
3) Good Height
4) Casual Dressing
5) Neat hair
6) Loud, clear, strong voice
7) Attitude, style

7. My favorites songs
1) Kaatrinile Varum Geetham (By MS)
2) Chinnanjiru Kiliye (Bharadhiyaar)
3) Kaatril Endhan Geedham (Johny)
4) Eedhedho ennam (Punnagai Mannan)
5) Tanhaayi (DCH)
... And the list grows to cover all songs with nice lyrics!

Actually, I've excluded a few topics and included my own... well, this is one thing I usually do when I donot know the answer... I change the question! ;-)

I'm back!

2005-10-05T02:35:00.000-07:00

How does it feel when a sweet fragrance of freshness fills every cell of yours just when you were wondering why everything looks so rusted around you! It's the same I feel when I say "I'm back!!! With Ghajini's "Oru maalai.." sweetly playing at the background and my lips arching slowly in a smile, I hold my laptop really on my lap while I'm little more comfortably sitting on my bed preparing to post my return on my blog! But what shall I start with? Hmmm... :-)

I catch myself humming this tune so many times of-late... and the music, the picturization, the lyrics, everything is so so beautiful! Okie, "these" are my favorite lines:

*** Updated on Oct 07 - my favorite lines இப்பொழுது தமிழில்***

ஒரு மாலை இளவெயில் நேரம்
அழகான இலையுதிர் காலம்
சற்றுத் தொலைவிலே அவள் முகம் பார்த்தேன்
அங்கே தொலைந்தவன் ஆனேன்

அவள் அள்ளி விட்டப் பொய்கள்
நடு நடுவே கொஞ்சம் மெய்கள்
இதழோரம் சிரிப்போடு கேட்டுக்கொண்டே நின்றேன்!
அவள் நின்று பேசும் ஒரு தருணம்
என் வாழ்வில் சர்க்கரை நிமிடம்
ஈர்க்கும் விசையை அவளிடம் கண்டேனே!
( ஒரு மாலை...)

பார்த்துப் பழகிய நான்கு தினங்களில்
நடை உடை பாவனை மாற்றிவிட்டாள்
சாலை முனைகளில் துரித உணவுகள்
வாங்கி உன்னும் வாடிக்கை காட்டி விட்டாள்

கூச்சம் கொண்ட தென்றலா
இவள் ஆயுள் நீண்ட மின்னலா
உனக்கேற்ற ஆளாக
எனை மாற்றிக் கொண்டேனே!
( ஒரு மாலை...)

பேசும் அழகினை கேட்டு ரசித்திட
பகல் நேரம் மொத்தமாய் கழித்தேனே
தூங்கும் அழகினைப் பார்த்து ரசித்திட
இரவெல்லாம் கண் விழித்துக் கிடந்தேனே

பனியில் சென்றால் உன் முகம்
என் மேலே நீராய் இறங்கும்
தலை சாய்த்துப் பார்த்தாளே
தடுமாறிப் போனேனே!
( ஒரு மாலை...)

A daring remark & sad end

2005-08-30T23:48:00.000-07:00

"Actresses acting only for money are equivalent to prostitutes"
A comment that made quite a sensation for a few days in Tamil industry.

How many movies are character based? How many actresses are given character roles? How many actresses see cinema as a career in art and acting? An actress doing a role of a prostitute in any movie still commands the dignity for her performance when compared to an actress appearing in vulgar (to be read as glamorous) outfits carefully coupled with feelingless expressions and movements that are supposed to ignite passion in a mad crowd of blind audience. How can anyone dare to call the later as an art- a career?

A story revolving around a simple village girl still needs that actress to be in shorts or swimsuit or at the least get drenched- dance in the rain, for a song so remotely related to the storyline! And the lyrics of songs these days can be a topic by itself! All such are beautifully termed as commercial or masala items and are unanimously accepted as a vital part of a hit movie. How many actresses take up these commercial items just for the sake of money? And what difference would they explain, even to themselves, for such a pricetagging of their self esteem along with their bodies from that of a prostitute? How many dared to say 'no' for such an exposure? And why does it prick when it is commented in black and white?

A daring remark that hit such idiotic commercialisation has for sure hit the entire industry, pricking the conscience of every single person in it. But the person who took the ownership of that comment should have stood by his words instead of succumbing to the huge protest. A very sad ending indeed.

Btw, can someone tell me the gender opposite for prostitutes? Just felt that the comment is incomplete!

why fear?

2005-08-30T23:35:00.000-07:00

A universal language, a language of silence, a silence that everybody understands simply- everybody- every living being that breathes... the dogs and cats so affectionately sheltered in our homes, the lions and tigers in zoos, jungles and circuses, the birds singing up the trees, the cockroaches running for darkness, the ants carving lines on barren walls, you, me!

It expresses everything anybody wants to convey- depth of affection, height of love, worry and jealousy, betrayal and hatred, hurt and revenge. We feel it in any of our emotions- "the pain". We want to convey these emotions to somebody who is responsible, or atleast that we assume are responsible and fight to pass on that pain. Once it is passed across through our revengeful acts, our pain satisfies itself and vanishes to nothing. At times, we even accept that very pain for the sake of somebody or some higher purpose that we alone define - just to prove ourself worthy of something.

Pain proves endurance- our limits;
pain proves our will- the power and strength;
pain proves our softness- the innocence;
pain proves that we are alive still!
pain - a common part of every living thing, binding all in one easy net of compassion. why then fear that pain?

On the eve of...

2005-08-15T04:48:00.000-07:00

She stayed alone - the private space she craved for so long was available to her in plentiness - throughout the month, all to herself. No one else to takeaway a single slice of those beautiful moments - moments of silence and self saturation. They asked her many things... "Aren't u afraid of staying alone?" She smiled. "Don't you feel the insecurity that a girl is supposed to fell in our society?" She smiled. "You are managing alone? Don't you feel it's painful?" She smiled yet again. Even her maid didnot dare to intrude her kingdom, for, the maid took a week's leave that extended without notice. It was the first time she had to manage her house, well, she realized it sounds better to call it home from now on! A few sq. foot of space that she cleaned and maintained so religiously. Her hands became red with the chemicals eating away the first layer of her tender skin. But she felt the sweet pleasure of independance that the very pain symbolized! There was nothing beyond her in this world, she said to herself so proudly.
Suddenly life changed it's shade for her - all within seconds. Wherever she went, she was the centre of attraction - she saw many eyes kneeling at her foot - innocent eyes showing surprise; watery eyes showing sympathy coated concern; indifferent eyes showing coldness on something they had escaped with so much luck, and that luck they sincerely claim to deserve! The variety in humans facinated her. She was over-blessed with the royal treatment and attention she didnot ask for. She smiled. They din't wait for her to complete her demand... it was extremity of luxury that was showered on her. She had best of everything but something seemed hollow. She was no more independant with her broken ankle. And the irony - this day, the entire nation celebrating it's independance day! She was not sure how many people understood the meaning of the very word 'in-dependance' when they waved the tricolored flag and shouted patriotism at the top of their voices in multiple channels all through the day!

Friendship Day Special!

2005-08-07T21:47:00.000-07:00

Friendship by itself is a reason to celebrate. And a day for Friendship is all that one needs to get into the exaltation! So beautiful a relationship, this friendship!

Friends are special people coming around my life to show how wonderful life is.
I see my problems troubling their eyes...
their happiness filling my heart...
my interests in their priorities...
their thoughts, comments being my concern...
my strength building up in their mere presence...
the lightness in the witty words we exchange...
the seriousness in the blind trust binding us...
the care being shown in every way that is uniquely possible...
Words can never hold the beauty of this relationship in it's entirety. So beautiful a relationship, this friendship!

I find a daughter say, "I share all my secrets with my mom... she's my good friend". I smile in a silent realization... Anybody with whom you feel just yourself, without any masks... no fear, no concealment... just the purity in love!" So beautiful a relationship, this friendship!

I painfully reflect on these words I've heard many people using so loosely - 'girlfriend/boyfriend'. I wonder... for, to my understanding, friendship doesnt see anything but a person... the person as a whole... their interests, their thoughts-words-actions... what am I to understand by this 'girl/ boy-friend'? I get troubled by the very skewness of these words and the way it is used to address an entirely different relationship - love, as far as I could make out! May be with 'love' still being taboo in a conservative society, people started addressing 'lover' with '----friend' just to make their statements sound more sacred! Such a sacred relationship is this friendship!

Mangal Mangal

2005-08-04T05:40:00.000-07:00

Heard the "Mangal.. Mangal.." song? The beats... as if forcing the spirits of freedom and self respect of a single man into every vein and nerve of the listeners. Started liking ARR again:-)
The lyrics... and the voice... and the typical village accent... all in right proportions to set the blind freedom passions to shootup to new heights, I guess!!
Heard it's a much heavy subject and highly emotional type movie, but I guess I can take it up just for Aamir khan! :-D
My expectations are touching the skies now for Mangal Pandey... just couldnot wait to watch it :-)

Much enjoyed verses here-
...
jaagi hai paed aur
jaagi hai paedon ki chaaon!
...
surya kirnonki talwaron thaane
aur andhiyara sab kat jaaye!
...
phansi to lagti hai sirf tanko
koun sapnonko phansi lagaaye!
...

Azhagu!

2005-08-03T02:30:00.000-07:00

Ottrai adip pAdhai azhagu
Oora vizhip pArvai azhagu

Ottrai idhazh malar azhagu
Oru thulip punnagai azhagu

Era vizhi Oorathile
Oru thulik kanneer azhagu

irettai varik kuraL azhagu
Eram ~~paadum~~ sindhum kuzhal azhagu

Ottrai neer veezhchi azhagu
nettri vaaghum Oor azhagu

saaral thUvum mEgham azhagu
silirththup poghum thendral azhagu

saaindha Ottrai thennai azhagu
sarindhu vilagum menpani azhagu

sikkanamum Oor azhagu
sindhanai seidhu paarthaale!

My Little Secret

2005-08-01T02:01:00.000-07:00

The day was cloudy, around 3.30pm. The wind was chill but it had an air of warmth in it. "How else could it be with my long lost friends huddling around me", I wondered! The place was crowded like hell and we lost in the ocean of humans... one of the most noted places in Bangalore with all the jazzy and huge exteriors, the 'hep hep' crowd filling it in and out, the branded shops - a new way to disperse hard earned money, a cool place to hangout for coolheads, for families catching up desparately with the modernism, equally notorious for the traffic created by the vehicles pouring in to coverup the parking lot, amidst those struggling to find a way through the stretch of road leading to it... the Forum Mall.

We three were sitting on the raised platform inside the mall's campus, just facing all these show-offs and lost in our own tiny world. The sweet smell of hot corn in damp wind was a luxury in itself, and me relishing every single grain of it! My head dropped back to get the complete view of the mall in all it's grandeur when a sudden surge of awe and excitement gushed within!

I lost them and many others some 9 years ago... amidst the silent town of Neyveli, a pleasant place for people who love the serenity and calmness it has to generously offer. The innocence of our childhoods shaped in the stillness of such a place... The beautiful people who shared every aspect of my childhood... the classrooms, the gruelling exams, the monotonous classes and witty comments from backbenches, the lunches under shady trees, the tours and picnics, the grey and white attire cheering our commonalities... So beautiful are school friends... and they are even more beautiful when found after long years... brighter, more matured and shaped up in their own distinct way!

The glaring contrast between the place where we lost track of each other and the mall where we got together ultimately... it was a rude shock for me! Before I could realize I said something, I was startled by my own words, ringing in my ears "Idha naama school-la irundhappa nenachchi paathoma?" (meaning, did we think of it when we were in school?)

I knew my sentence was too vague to attribute to anything but Mr.S was ready to react with his comments on the atrocious pricing of these days. "30 bucks for such a small cup of corn!" he commented. Ms.M added her thoughts to it and the argument moved on. I was simply surprised at their misinterpretation of my context but somehow I didnot want to tear my feelings into a bunch of small words and hang it up for display. I sealed it as a secret in a silent smile and was listening to them attentively.

The excitement of meeting old friends, of talking to them after long years... the excitement covered up by a silent smile that lit up every now and then... the secret that sparkled in my eyes all day! Awesome it was, trust me!! :-)

A night after long

2005-07-29T06:50:00.000-07:00

We gathered at Mr.K's house, our usual hub, for his birthday yesterday. It's been almost an year now since I joined in for such midnight celebrations. I was pacing on the verandah with nostalgia springing steadily within me.

I remembered, that was the first birthday we ever celebrated in our group! Majority of our group stay in that house. The group that took shape in the training rooms and over lunch tables during our initial days of our first job. All possible common things bound us- the trainings, the new place, the nothing-to-do weekends, the chain mails, the module tests... We, some 10 to 15 of us, jelled together slowly and steadily.
Each one known by, and only by their pet names, as if we knew each other for ages! Skely, prof, dada, rupoosh, CPda, tuby, chells, paaji, swamiji, t2... Whenever we gathered there was lightness, laughter and pranks throwing an air of enthusiasm and fun all around.

I felt a silent realization to myself. Our group was one that went through steady changes right from the beginning! First we were put in a 3 months training that was more like an extension to a care-free college life. Occassionally strangers were allowed for trainings along with us. But for us, they were as good as non-existant. May be we bothered them but we never bothered about them! It was we for ourselves all the time.

When the trainings got over, we were put into different groups altogether... pre-sales, consulting, development... but we were happy that we worked in the same building, may be just on different floors! Our meetings and fun was restricted to lunch and snacks time, which we all used to religiously adhere to... and we forgot time in our gossips most often!

It was then that Ms.S, now Mrs.S, had to work from Hyderabad. How we all clinged to the phone everytime she called from there! Then it was turn for pre-sales guys to work in night shifts... We had to sacrifice our lunch meetings then! Our snacks time was saved at the most, but the strength of the group who met then, started dwindling and the reasons- work/ meetings/ client calls... you name it!

It was then time for consulting group, to which I belonged, to move out of the original office to another building... that left us with nothing more than our weekends and the birthday celebrations! Occassionally we did go to the other's offices but those were short trips of mostly official purpose. These were compensated by the enthusiasm during those birthday celebrations! The zeal with which we planned, the gift selection, the cards and cakes... and finally the treat destinations... it was a festive time, every moment to be purely enjoyed and cherished!

I was standing behind the gates of this house, looking at the opposite one - the once Ms.R's house - where I had stayed overnight many times during such times! Chill winds laden with moisture, typical of rainy night, brushed the hair off my face. There was no light in the house. "No one is staying there now?" I wondered. That very house, as did my office buildings, stood as a silent spectator to the changing times, holding with it the fresh fragrance of the past.

With time, the group shrank more and more. Some went for higher studies... some to other companies, and even to other countries, absolutely out of sight - leaving just memorable days to be pondered later on! I sighed at the reality, in the light of the streetlamp shining brightly outside the house.

Suddenly I realized something and a smile seemed to light up the entire place... Even now, I thought, everytime we called up eachother, no matter from where to where, we were conquering the distance! Everytime we remembered the special days to care for and wish the others, we were breaking the time! Everytime we took some time off to catch up with the rest, we were fighting that change!

I went back in, feeling proud about my mere presence there.

In a desperate attempt

2005-07-21T23:45:00.000-07:00

I always thought how can one describe you, not compromising all your might and splendour. Just wondered what fascinates me so much about you. I let my eyes follow through every single of your line, curve, pattern as an attempt to trace your image on to itself!
I stood there, by the huge glass windows, my eyes fixed on you... with a feeling of reverence, of overwhelming wonder... some kinda happiness sprung steadily within me and flowed out as a silent smile. I forgot myself for a few moments to come... accepting with humility that those moments are reserved just for you! I felt my eyes severely insignificant, even to make an attempt, to drink all that you have to offer! The windows escaped the blame this time! In a desparate attempt to describe you, here I'm with a few lines...

The sky is laden with thick clouds. Well, it's not any other cloudy day filling an air of romantic dullness. The sky is bright yet and one cannot expect any rain just like that. But there are enough clouds prepossessing that possibility. There are irregular patches of blues showing up on the right. "Sky blue!" I try to identify it... I see all shades of blue, from darkest of dark to lightest blues finally fading into white. "Skyblue...That's the vaguest specification ever!" I say to myself. Some seem to be opaque in the depth of color while some have a dash of illumination, as bright as a smiling face. There is no regular pattern in their fading either! They are as though random rags of blues casually thrown all over the sky. It is mysteriously pleasant.
The clouds are floating around with notorious nonchalance! Many of them with a flat base, as though resting on some common plane easily concealed from my eyes. There is again shades of white coming into play! From darkest of greys to startling whites, each cloud is unique on it's own... the shape, the color, the texture... I remember my favorite passtime especially during my long journeys, trying to identify the patters out of those clouds! There are many layers of them. The lowest ones holding some stray thin fragments of white and whitish grey, while the topmost layer has a foundation of rough clouds spread throughout the sky in ripples. It is like colorless sands of a vast desert. I see their outlines distinctly against one another. I gasp "What a sight!!" As though complete harmony exists among them and they donot fight for their space... they just merge, if at all.

The earth is showing signs of impatience... with the chill wind rustling the leaves and swaying the branches... From dead leaves to stray papers to soil and dirt, tossing and misplacing everything that comes to it's hold, in a petty childish ire. I sense a silent prayer and a craving behind all these violent protests!

There is a sudden hiss interluded by loud roars... it's The Rain!! The most awaited one... The One, just in time to extend the festivity and gay in skies to the earth below... parcelled in millions of affectionate kisses, the water dropplets! I see the parcels being frantically opened with immediate urgency, reflecting the anxiety of the soils for this spectacular moment. Sweet petrichor of acknowledgment fills all space...

"Did I miss out anybody?" I wonder. The sky, the clouds, the rain, the wind, the soil... Ah yes, says the Sun managing to show himself up, right at the climax! The bright golden rays add a gesture of pure blessing and warmth, turning everything that it touches into sparkling gold. The sky is in all smiles, beaming a brilliant rainbow!!

A Beautiful Conquest

2005-07-18T02:17:00.000-07:00

It's not been until recently that I started reading books. Well, I was reading before... but not the novel or stories kind. I believed I couldnot sit with such a book for long... I felt wastage of precious time, may be a flat excuse to stay out of their world. I used to wonder when I see people sitting with a book for hours together, forgetting time, food and even sleep! I thought what could it be that binds them to such a boring stuff... a book with no colors, no pictures, all small fonts and above all, a thick one to hold... how innocent of me!

It's my second attempt with a thick book. I've heard about this book many times, from many people. But it was just now that the right time dawned to taste it, I guess. It was a sweet solitude over the weekend... I was blessed with this after quite a long time! A time all for myself, all by myself! And I wanted to make it special... wanted to explore on this book.

On thursday, I went to a books-corner near my office and inquired about it. The attendant said, "Sorry ma'm, we donot have it now. Here you have another book by the same author!" I somehow felt I am going to get it. I decided not to compromise. I said "no thanks" and left for home. I had an old bookstore in my mind as I walked back. I somehow was so sure that they would have it this time, though I had never been lucky enough to find what I wanted with them. It was dark by the time I reached the store and I walked in. This time too, I was unlucky. The person incharge there said "Oh ma'm, we just sold it out a day before!" Something was pressing my mind... "I was supposed to get it!" I came out blankly. It started drizzling slightly and became darker. "I have to hurry home before it starts pouring", I thought. Just then a bookseller across the road caught my eyes.

I had seen his collection many times as I had walked past his shop. He had Da Vinci Code, Who moved my Cheese & related books, Rich Dad Poor Dad, Great Indian Dream, Chanakya Theory (something to that effect) and so on. All his books were properly arranged on a blue plastic sheet on the pavement beneath a tree next to a petty pan shop. I vaguely thought he might have what I was looking for. The place was crowded with smokers, people waiting for auto, people wading their way on the small platform just to avoid the thick traffic and such. I was there, as part of the same crowd in a few seconds.

There was enough light just to see bold bright letters on any book's cover. I kept looking for it and couldnot find it, or rather recognize it, I should say. Again there was this imposing thought in my mind... "I should get it this time!" I asked the shop owner, "do you have 'The Fountainhead'?" my voice pausing in between in hesitation. He gave me a blank look and replied, "Look through the collection ma'm. you should be finding it here." I thought I shouldnt have asked him and sighed. I felt "How good it would have been if I could recognize the book just by it's cover in this poor light!" and started moving away from the crowd. But the thought was pulling me back..."Wait! I should get it before I go!" I don't know why but I turned back.

This time I was able to catch it! I could see the long thin letters spelling "Ayn Rand" and my eyes widened. It lay there quietly, at a dark corner of the collection as if waiting for my single glance. I had it in my hands the very next moment with my proud face beaming a wide smile! I couldnot wait to start on the book that I got with so much passion! But it was not as easy as I thought.

I was struggling though the book for initial few pages. I read a few paragraphs; looked at the clock; looked back at the book and continued with a sigh! "What has this author written?" "Oh it's so tough..." "But I heard very good review about it" "May be it's not for my kind!" "Do I have any other important (to be read as easier) work that is left pending?" "Oh I have lots of office work and I cannot concentrate on this now" These were the thoughts running through my mind during my struggle. I even dozed off sometimes. I saw myself literally fighting with it! It was a tough one.

On Saturday, I was able to sit with the book for a couple of hours at a stretch. I saw the book slowly giving up... I was able to relate to the characters, their character, the language, the flow... the descriptions beautifully rose from the book and enacted in the screen of my mind! I saw I finally won it! I was excited with my achievement and engrossed with the object of my conquest.

On Sunday I was totally with it, sparing a few hours for food and general chores. It was past midnight, the clock showing twelve-thirty five but I din't show any signs of keeping that book down until a pain due to strain started at my eyebrows and was slowly sinking into my eyes. I was still racing to finish atleast this paragraph... this page... this chapter... and it was
endless. It was then I slowly began to realize I was addicted!

A beautiful conquest silently made by the book, but with dignity! I did nothing but to smile at it. I saw no regrets but just a wonderful bond between us, just the two of us!

Expectations - a few thoughts!

2005-07-13T04:16:00.000-07:00

Expectations give disappointments!

I've heard this manytimes and in many places!
mmm... Expectations! Expectations are logical derivations from the impression created by past experiences in a human mind. This is sometimes what we call knowledge... knowledge about somebody, something... mostly about the characteristics and behavior!

There are expectations everywhere... A manager is expected to control his team. A mom is expected to shower love on her child. A leader is expected to guide his followers. A friend is expected to stand by your side during trying times... even God is expected to love and protect all of us!

Expectations give rise to responsibilities. Responsibilities produce achievement and growth. Achievement and growth bloom to fulfillment and success! How important are expectations in our life!

Expectations are little tricky! They are formed from behaviors and they tend to shapeup/control the behavior inturn! Expectations are the base for code of conduct and duties! They may be universal- accepted by all. They may also be region specific, religion specific or even specific to individuals...

A mom might say "My child willnot do such a thing!" She is imposing a control on her child's actions... may be as simple as telling lies. She's trying to restrict her child from something that she considers incorrect.Even if the child is tempted to do that thing next time, it would refrain just to keep up to mom's expectations. For the child it is important to live to mom's expectation because it respects mom and her words!
Setting expectations implicitly controls the behavior of the other person. I've seen the general statement "This was expected of you" or even the "I know you will do like that" annoys many. It's again the judgement or stamping on the other's behavior that causes this discomfort. It interferes with their freedom.

The ground rule is that only if the other person respects our dominance or accepts our control over them will they tend to live upto our expectation. That inturn brings on us the duty to respect the other person's freedom and our limits while setting our expectations. If something is overlooked on this part, it is then that our expectations bring disappointments! Again, disappointments means either our perception was not right or we didnot pay attention to our limits!

Arguments...

2005-07-11T08:03:00.000-07:00

It all started with suggestion on books... and we ended up debating on living and enjoying it!!

Alchemist suggests something about the way u enjoy life...ayn rand says about living.
u need to live to enjoy living...right?

ya... but all do live, dont we?

Live...we do...but as what??..as an object that breathes, eats, copulates, dies...decays??...what are our values by which we define that we live...how do u know that u live??...coz u feel u r body warm, coz u see the blood when cut, coz of any other reasons that are to do with physical stuff, rather than the mental.."thinking" i mean..

Values... are to be set. But that doesnot mean we donot live. Our life is defined by time. The fulfilment in living is defined by us - our goals, our values, our achievements and breath taking moments! And all do live, but many donot feel that they have lived cos they donot have the fulfilment... To get tat fulfilment, we need to enjoy every single moment of life...
I somehow feel "living" implicitly refers to "enjoying life"

Let's see how it goes further...

A beautiful woman, that she was...

2005-05-24T00:25:00.000-07:00

She was my guardian angel when I ran to hide from my mom's scoldings and potential beatings for being adament on having a big big bar of chocolate... needless to say I ultimately enjoyed a whole bar of it safely in her arms! A beautiful woman, that she was...

I spent my summer vacations almost every single time with her, I mean with her alone! For us, playing in the rain and watching over the chirping sparrows that come into our house for the grains that she had kept in the verandah for sun drying were of highest priority. The leaking old house was a heaven for us when we ran around the place to escape the pouring water seeping through the roof! The powercuts helped us with just the right light to play hide 'n' seek. Nothing was negative with her around! A beautiful woman, that she was...

She was enchanted by my gossips I did just before I dozed off every night. She found great meaning in my chatterings and kiddish questions. I found warmth and peace with my head on her folded left arm, serving me as a pillow, while her other hand was busy running her fingers through my hair! What a luxury!! My topics ranged from stars and the sky to fishes and butterflies. Even when she was tired and her eyes were begging her for sleep, she managed to say 'humn' everytime, lest I felt she didnot listen to me. A beautiful woman, that she was...

We went out for shopping when we needed a change. The price didnot matter to her ever. I just had to name it and I had it. Be it dress or sweets or toys or anything for that matter. They were no malls, just small shops and stores near our house. They were not branded ones either. She didnot care if what I asked for would last long or I got the right things for myself. What mattered to her was the happiness in fulfilling my heart's desire. A beautiful woman, that she was...

We brothers, sisters and cousins were many... but I felt as the chosen one who stood unique among the rest. Even my brother was not sharing the position that I owned so proudly. I felt the most pampered of the lot. She was my world and I was the centre of her universe. I was there completely drenched in her love. Even in my college times, she accompanied me till the bus stop and waited patiently till I boarded my bus. The morning sun or the cold winds or the battering rains didnot shake her determination in giving me her company. She found an excuse for herself, "Walking is good for my health", she said smilingly which showed a few gaps in her string of teeth. A beautiful woman, that she was...

When she was struck with diabetes, doctors advised her to stay away from sweets. She was a child, adament on not eating anything without sugar. She didnot budge to any of our threats or beggings or doctor's advice. She had her principle ready to rescue..."Even if it is for one day, let me live wholeheartedly. I donot want to live for 100 years sacrificing sweets!" Nothing would stop her from tasting (atleast that is what she said when she gobbled up 2 or 3 pieces!) every single sweet that we prepared or procured during some function at home, be it Ayudha pooja or Diwali. She stealthily goes into the kitchen in the night in search of the sweets freshly prepared that day. When caught redhanded, she begs not to let her trespassing made public! A real child, at her age... Her eyes sparkled everytime she passified us on letting her eat the stick icecream, that we passionately called 'Kulfi'. She said, "I know how to lookafter myself. The doctors know nothing!" She did live by her heart, no matter what others thought or even said! A beautiful woman, that she was...

She can tolerate any pain inflicted by her old age, but her major worry comprised of we children not having proper 'home'food. She can tolerate her blindness, but she cannot bear it when we suffered from simple fever. Everytime we visited her, my brother and I made it a point to leave her with some money that we had. Last time, I was there thrusting the lifeless notes into her weak palms. She said, "Do you have enough, my dear? I cannot save it for your future. Donot give me money. I'll spend all of it." I said earnestly, looking into her eyes, "If it is not for you to spend, it doesnot serve any other purpose, grandma!" She hugged me tight and impressed a kiss me on my cheek. I almost melted into her. The most beautiful woman, that she was...

DD & DD

2005-05-12T06:00:00.000-07:00

I was nostalgic when I opened a mail my brother had sent me oflate. It was a forward of a movie-clip. Well, not exactly a 'movie'. It was a cartoon film by NCERT named "ek-anek-aur-ekhta". It was a return of my childhood for the next 7 minutes as I started playing that clip. Those days, some 15 years back, when 6.30am used to be too early and 9.00pm used to be too late... Those days when there was the unquestioned reign of the DD...no no not me, for a change;-) It's the DoorDarshan, the national channel I'm talking about. Memories started unfolding in my mind as I started travelling back in time to "those days".

Everyday, at 6am (I guess so!) the DD comes alive with a red ball of .... of mmm.... of something (someone knows what it is?) rotating in a black background, shaping itself into the DD logo with a typical slow music I can still feel ringing in my ears! Following suite is the "Vande Maataram" sung in beautiful female voice. There were days when I used to hopelessly try singing along and felt happy for whatever little bit I did succeed.

The TV was never cursed that time, may be bcos it held a restricted yet respectable position in our lives. It was a luxury to watch movies during weekends. I used to wait for fridays to watch "Oliyum OLiyum" and wednesdays for Chitrahaar. The daily news were a regular part of my daily lives. Shobana Ravi & Fatima Babu used to be my favorite Tamil news readers those days. There were a few days when my mom and I used to watch "World This Week" with Pranay Roy anchoring it. Talking of news, how can anybody forget the Urudu news and 'News for Hearing Imparied' telecast every Sunday afternoon? Hindi was always a welcome for me, with whatever little I understood that time. The rest of my family had a different (rather indifferent) opinion though! Nevertheless, I did manage to see few hindi movies and songs, not to forget the 'Ramayana' series and 'The Sword of Tipu Sultan'!

Ah...Sundays! They are really blessed days, I should say. Sundays were invariably tight scheduled for me, the He-Man was my hero then. I used to gape when he draws his sword and his companion tiger was not to be missed! The 'Goodmorning Disney' came to replace this legendary series... the Uncle Scrooge (excuse me with the spelling!)-the Miser and his $Dollar$ empire... the Launchpad character... the Ballu in Tailspin... Mowgli in Jungle book!! The very title-music of these cartoon series used to bind us tight to the TV... and I and my brother literally burried all our other priorities, be it the most obvious homework and studies to even food and play sometimes.

Apart from the mainstream entertainment, there were these cartoon snippets from NCERT based on some themes such as literacy, Unity in Diversity, Work to be Healthy, Saving trees and environment and what not! The very music and words in 'Suraj ek, Chanda ek, taare anekh' and 'Padna Likhna..' sticked to my mind and slipped through my lips! Those days were really blissful, when everything was in calculated quantities.

Now I get to see some 40 odd channels in cable connection, but never get that happiness I used to feel then! The same songs, same movies, same serials and programs repeating day and night... from channel to channel... I just landup surfing the channels rather than watching TV! The songs or movies or any other entertainment for that matter, has lost it's charm! Our greed to have fulltime entertainment has ultimately takenout the very magic of it. Sadly now,
TV has become an Idiot box! Or should we rephrase it as an Idiot's box?

The first crack!

2005-04-29T04:46:00.000-07:00

The judgement was given. Their relationship had ended legally. The court papers were signed. Everything was settled - their responsibilites, property, cash.... every single thing was settled, except the beautiful world that they both had created together. The words in the agreement were exclaiming "You both are free now! Nomore answerable to eachother; nomore responsible for eachother".

But you may ask... what about the emotional bond that had tied them together for the past 3 years? What respect do they hold for the lifetime promises they had made to each other? Does the sacrifices and adjustments made by each for the other all of these years have suddenly
become meaningless? Can there not be another chance given?

'But there is no use talking or even thinking about all this now'. 'It is of no use trying to correct something which has gone terribly wrong...' 'Enough is enough, it's time to look ahead and start afresh'... Linedup, thus, were all the so called 'positive' excuses between them, effectively blocking them from even looking at each other.

Her big black cushion seat and the airconditioning, were not making her feel any more comfortable. "It has been a year since divorce. Life is not the same as before", she thought. Her first book, her dream, published recently has broken all sales records. Her thirst for freedom to express, to do something without being questioned, was quenched atlast. She has earned name, fame, wealth and everything that comes to your mind when you think of happy living. But, ironically, the happiness alone was missing on her face.

"Atleast he should be happy. I'm not there to bother him anymore!" Her vision was dimming for tears had already gathered in her eyes at this thought. "Why should I think of him when he's least bothered about me!" She comforted herself.

"Why didnt he try to contact me even once in this one year? Has he already married someone else? How could he replace me with..." A blend of fear and possessiveness gripped her. "Why should I keep missing someone who doesn't even care for me?" Thus came her ego for her rescue.

Battered by this battle of thoughts, she was fast asleep even before she realized!

She wokeup to realize it was already 10 in the morning. She was still in her study table. Badly needing some diversion from all that she went through the day before, she mechanically logged into her e-mail inbox. There were many many mails from the readers, now her ardent fans! But one mail caught her sight. It was from him. It was from HIM!

But the subject was strange... "Check your pressure!". She frantically opened it. It was no personal mail... it was a forward! She frowned... "A forward! After such a long time and afterall a forward!!" All it had was just 3 image files... not even a single word! Those images looked like some digital art! "I cannot make the slightest sense out of it!" she said to herself. "Even if it is a 3D image, what does it have to do with checking my pressure?" She was absolutely baffled by it. Curiousity was killing her. She replied to him in one line "What am I supposed to do with this mail?"

She couldnot wait to know what it all meant. The few seconds of mail exchange delay seemed hours now. There came his reply, exactly after 2 minutes, but she said "Atlast!!" and opened it...

Her brown eyes widened adding a touch of charm to her now glowing face! She found her smile back, after one long year! She felt herself melting away in love!

He had replied, "Even I donot know. But something is better than silence!"

A wise man said "Love is like water. It finds it's way out with the smallest crack it finds first!" But it just needs the same small crack to get in too, doesn't it?

Note: My first attempt to an absolute fiction! Inspired by a friend's mail with the subject "Check your pressure"!! :-)

My New Passion!

2005-04-26T02:12:00.000-07:00

It was friday afternoon. The sun was in good mood and putup a cosy climate, a good atmosphere for learning. I took the driver's seat in my dad's car for the first time... The front passenger seat had always been my favorite... but I quickly realised it is no more from now! I put my hands on the steering and felt a sudden surge of excitement within... The road lay in front of me - untouched and awaiting to be conquered, the horizon to set my limits and the sun gave a gentle glance full of grace just like a mother waiting to see her child take it's first step to walk...

My dad's car- a silver-grey maruti zen... my brother's darling too! No wonder, he was with me, sitting in my 'ex-favorite seat', making sure I donot do the slightest damage to the car... volunteering to teaching me how to drive! It was a light machine with power steering, ofcourse with so many other features and specifications which you can confidently bet I wont understand a bit!

I turned the engine on... released the hand brake... pressed the clutch and pushed the gear from neutral to first. I was further instructed to release the clutch slowly and steadily... my first lesson in driving! I released my foot from the clutch with caution... I could hear my heart beat increasing proportionally. Bingo!! Within moments the vehicle was moving! I couldnot believe I was driving it!

I started to accelerate it slowly. The road was a beauty by itself... a long and broad runway of an old airport which has been abandoned for quite a long time! With nobody around to interfere with my driving, I was ruling the entire stretch! :-) As I raised my speed, I skipped to the second gear and to the third and then to the fourth! I was literally flying on the road with a
gush of wind congratulating me every moment on my ascent to the driver's seat! At my top speed in the car, I easily imagined myself flying a plane in that airstrip!

The roads - an invariably boring part of my long journeys...
The driving - a monotonous act that restricted anyone from enjoying the nature around you while you are on the move...
The car and it's technicalities... aah! the driest subjects a person can talk on...
These were few of my esteemed views before I touched the steering! Now that I've tasted my first drive, my perspectives about the roads, the art of driving, the vehicle... everything has changed! A signature quote of one of my friends aptly flashes in my mind... "Riding there is the whole point, destination is just an excuse"

Somehow this four tyred machine started becoming so close to me. I began treating it as a companion, a friend - much more than just a machine! And that, I understood, is the basic for being a good driver! Apart from the big and small mistakes I did that day and the amazingly long, hot scoldings I got from my brother for every single fault, I still feel my crush for that car and my passion for driving it has been growing deeper and stronger!

A Quote to Quote

2005-04-21T01:40:00.000-07:00

There was this quote I hit upon recently. It stood out among all other phrases and words that were in the passage I read. I was totally attracted by it that I made it my signature quote rightaway...
But I still wonder what made the line impress in my memory the first time I read it. It's a quote by Thoreau:

A man more right than his neighbors, constitutes a majority of one

Was it the rebellious instinct that it gives the reader for not caring about what your neighbors say and to hold on to your beliefs...
Was it the importance and care given to the individuality of you as a person and your thoughts...
Was it just another way of saying "Truth is a perception and everyone has his own perception... Everyone is right by his perception and so are you!"
or is it all of this and something more?

What was it that really really made me to take it along? Am trying to find my answer here...

How do I know if a man is more right than his neighbors or not?

Can I say, 'When a man is true, he is right'? Now, what is being true or Truth?

A truth, is a state of being in harmony with yourself. This description of truth, I got, from Mahatma's life.

What you believe, you think.
What you think, you speak.
What you speak, you do.
What you do, you habitualize.
What you habitualize you imbibe in yourself... all in one sync!

By that idea, a man can be true to himself when he lives by his beliefs. But there is one catch here... his beliefs can change as his knowledge on something increases. So, I would rather say, a man is true or right when he has complete inner harmony at any given time. When he finds a contradiction between what he believes and hence his thoughts and what he does ultimately... then he is no more true.

A man more right than his neighbors... can be translated to: "a man not convinced by his neighbors ideas and holding his own ideas or principles on something"

Having resolved the first part, lets shift our focus to the other part - Constituting a majority of one:

I somehow like this part more... I feel this phrase gives strength and confidence to a person who reads it!

Can you imagine - when a man is singled out for his opinion or principles, and every other person opposing this man's thoughts and still he has this to say... "I'm not giving up on my beliefs for the mere numbers supporting it. I belong to a majority- a majority of one!... I know I'm right for the simple reason being I'm true to myself."
I feel, the depth and strength in this man's belief being shown with such an attitude!

Summing it all up... the quote means this:
A man has to live by his own principles, live by what he feels is right and not what the others, may be the society as a whole, dictate him to do. He need not bother about being singled out because, he still belongs to a majority- a majority of one!

Such an attitude is the one that shapes the society itself and identifies the leader... Truely, A man more right than his neighbors constitues a majority of one!!

A Silent Message!

2005-04-19T06:50:00.000-07:00

Ever stopped to listen to the whispers of those fresh flower in your garden, on the road side or in the park nearby?

They all have something special to tell you...

Flowers... white or bright; huge or tiny; those that have their lifetimes destined to just a day max!

Flowers say...

This world is colorful... enjoy it's vibrance!
This world is delicate... Give it your tender care!
This world is wonderful... fill it with your fragrance!
This life is short... live every moment!
There is an entire generation behind you... leave behind, a legend and live beyond your lifetime!
Forgive those who harm you... Their selfish motive may define your life's meaning!
Smile always... This is heaven!!

Debut

2005-04-18T03:28:00.000-07:00

My first message... my first step... my debut to this world of Blogging!

Something tells me I have something to give...
Something says me I have something to take back...
Something wants to sew together my opinions and emotions with your minds and hearts...
Something that is anxiously waiting inside and craving for it's freedom...
So is here... my "thoughful scribblings"!

I can already sense a kiddish excitement choking my mind, making it desparate for words to fill the fresh space I just got, all for myself!