A night after long

We gathered at Mr.K's house, our usual hub, for his birthday yesterday. It's been almost an year now since I joined in for such midnight celebrations. I was pacing on the verandah with nostalgia springing steadily within me.

I remembered, that was the first birthday we ever celebrated in our group! Majority of our group stay in that house. The group that took shape in the training rooms and over lunch tables during our initial days of our first job. All possible common things bound us- the trainings, the new place, the nothing-to-do weekends, the chain mails, the module tests... We, some 10 to 15 of us, jelled together slowly and steadily.
Each one known by, and only by their pet names, as if we knew each other for ages! Skely, prof, dada, rupoosh, CPda, tuby, chells, paaji, swamiji, t2... Whenever we gathered there was lightness, laughter and pranks throwing an air of enthusiasm and fun all around.

I felt a silent realization to myself. Our group was one that went through steady changes right from the beginning! First we were put in a 3 months training that was more like an extension to a care-free college life. Occassionally strangers were allowed for trainings along with us. But for us, they were as good as non-existant. May be we bothered them but we never bothered about them! It was we for ourselves all the time.

When the trainings got over, we were put into different groups altogether... pre-sales, consulting, development... but we were happy that we worked in the same building, may be just on different floors! Our meetings and fun was restricted to lunch and snacks time, which we all used to religiously adhere to... and we forgot time in our gossips most often!

It was then that Ms.S, now Mrs.S, had to work from Hyderabad. How we all clinged to the phone everytime she called from there! Then it was turn for pre-sales guys to work in night shifts... We had to sacrifice our lunch meetings then! Our snacks time was saved at the most, but the strength of the group who met then, started dwindling and the reasons- work/ meetings/ client calls... you name it!

It was then time for consulting group, to which I belonged, to move out of the original office to another building... that left us with nothing more than our weekends and the birthday celebrations! Occassionally we did go to the other's offices but those were short trips of mostly official purpose. These were compensated by the enthusiasm during those birthday celebrations! The zeal with which we planned, the gift selection, the cards and cakes... and finally the treat destinations... it was a festive time, every moment to be purely enjoyed and cherished!

I was standing behind the gates of this house, looking at the opposite one - the once Ms.R's house - where I had stayed overnight many times during such times! Chill winds laden with moisture, typical of rainy night, brushed the hair off my face. There was no light in the house. "No one is staying there now?" I wondered. That very house, as did my office buildings, stood as a silent spectator to the changing times, holding with it the fresh fragrance of the past.

With time, the group shrank more and more. Some went for higher studies... some to other companies, and even to other countries, absolutely out of sight - leaving just memorable days to be pondered later on! I sighed at the reality, in the light of the streetlamp shining brightly outside the house.

Suddenly I realized something and a smile seemed to light up the entire place... Even now, I thought, everytime we called up eachother, no matter from where to where, we were conquering the distance! Everytime we remembered the special days to care for and wish the others, we were breaking the time! Everytime we took some time off to catch up with the rest, we were fighting that change!

I went back in, feeling proud about my mere presence there.

In a desperate attempt

I always thought how can one describe you, not compromising all your might and splendour. Just wondered what fascinates me so much about you. I let my eyes follow through every single of your line, curve, pattern as an attempt to trace your image on to itself!
I stood there, by the huge glass windows, my eyes fixed on you... with a feeling of reverence, of overwhelming wonder... some kinda happiness sprung steadily within me and flowed out as a silent smile. I forgot myself for a few moments to come... accepting with humility that those moments are reserved just for you! I felt my eyes severely insignificant, even to make an attempt, to drink all that you have to offer! The windows escaped the blame this time! In a desparate attempt to describe you, here I'm with a few lines...

The sky is laden with thick clouds. Well, it's not any other cloudy day filling an air of romantic dullness. The sky is bright yet and one cannot expect any rain just like that. But there are enough clouds prepossessing that possibility. There are irregular patches of blues showing up on the right. "Sky blue!" I try to identify it... I see all shades of blue, from darkest of dark to lightest blues finally fading into white. "Skyblue...That's the vaguest specification ever!" I say to myself. Some seem to be opaque in the depth of color while some have a dash of illumination, as bright as a smiling face. There is no regular pattern in their fading either! They are as though random rags of blues casually thrown all over the sky. It is mysteriously pleasant.
The clouds are floating around with notorious nonchalance! Many of them with a flat base, as though resting on some common plane easily concealed from my eyes. There is again shades of white coming into play! From darkest of greys to startling whites, each cloud is unique on it's own... the shape, the color, the texture... I remember my favorite passtime especially during my long journeys, trying to identify the patters out of those clouds! There are many layers of them. The lowest ones holding some stray thin fragments of white and whitish grey, while the topmost layer has a foundation of rough clouds spread throughout the sky in ripples. It is like colorless sands of a vast desert. I see their outlines distinctly against one another. I gasp "What a sight!!" As though complete harmony exists among them and they donot fight for their space... they just merge, if at all.

The earth is showing signs of impatience... with the chill wind rustling the leaves and swaying the branches... From dead leaves to stray papers to soil and dirt, tossing and misplacing everything that comes to it's hold, in a petty childish ire. I sense a silent prayer and a craving behind all these violent protests!

There is a sudden hiss interluded by loud roars... it's The Rain!! The most awaited one... The One, just in time to extend the festivity and gay in skies to the earth below... parcelled in millions of affectionate kisses, the water dropplets! I see the parcels being frantically opened with immediate urgency, reflecting the anxiety of the soils for this spectacular moment. Sweet petrichor of acknowledgment fills all space...

"Did I miss out anybody?" I wonder. The sky, the clouds, the rain, the wind, the soil... Ah yes, says the Sun managing to show himself up, right at the climax! The bright golden rays add a gesture of pure blessing and warmth, turning everything that it touches into sparkling gold. The sky is in all smiles, beaming a brilliant rainbow!!

A Beautiful Conquest

It's not been until recently that I started reading books. Well, I was reading before... but not the novel or stories kind. I believed I couldnot sit with such a book for long... I felt wastage of precious time, may be a flat excuse to stay out of their world. I used to wonder when I see people sitting with a book for hours together, forgetting time, food and even sleep! I thought what could it be that binds them to such a boring stuff... a book with no colors, no pictures, all small fonts and above all, a thick one to hold... how innocent of me!

It's my second attempt with a thick book. I've heard about this book many times, from many people. But it was just now that the right time dawned to taste it, I guess. It was a sweet solitude over the weekend... I was blessed with this after quite a long time! A time all for myself, all by myself! And I wanted to make it special... wanted to explore on this book.

On thursday, I went to a books-corner near my office and inquired about it. The attendant said, "Sorry ma'm, we donot have it now. Here you have another book by the same author!" I somehow felt I am going to get it. I decided not to compromise. I said "no thanks" and left for home. I had an old bookstore in my mind as I walked back. I somehow was so sure that they would have it this time, though I had never been lucky enough to find what I wanted with them. It was dark by the time I reached the store and I walked in. This time too, I was unlucky. The person incharge there said "Oh ma'm, we just sold it out a day before!" Something was pressing my mind... "I was supposed to get it!" I came out blankly. It started drizzling slightly and became darker. "I have to hurry home before it starts pouring", I thought. Just then a bookseller across the road caught my eyes.

I had seen his collection many times as I had walked past his shop. He had Da Vinci Code, Who moved my Cheese & related books, Rich Dad Poor Dad, Great Indian Dream, Chanakya Theory (something to that effect) and so on. All his books were properly arranged on a blue plastic sheet on the pavement beneath a tree next to a petty pan shop. I vaguely thought he might have what I was looking for. The place was crowded with smokers, people waiting for auto, people wading their way on the small platform just to avoid the thick traffic and such. I was there, as part of the same crowd in a few seconds.

There was enough light just to see bold bright letters on any book's cover. I kept looking for it and couldnot find it, or rather recognize it, I should say. Again there was this imposing thought in my mind... "I should get it this time!" I asked the shop owner, "do you have 'The Fountainhead'?" my voice pausing in between in hesitation. He gave me a blank look and replied, "Look through the collection ma'm. you should be finding it here." I thought I shouldnt have asked him and sighed. I felt "How good it would have been if I could recognize the book just by it's cover in this poor light!" and started moving away from the crowd. But the thought was pulling me back..."Wait! I should get it before I go!" I don't know why but I turned back.

This time I was able to catch it! I could see the long thin letters spelling "Ayn Rand" and my eyes widened. It lay there quietly, at a dark corner of the collection as if waiting for my single glance. I had it in my hands the very next moment with my proud face beaming a wide smile! I couldnot wait to start on the book that I got with so much passion! But it was not as easy as I thought.

I was struggling though the book for initial few pages. I read a few paragraphs; looked at the clock; looked back at the book and continued with a sigh! "What has this author written?" "Oh it's so tough..." "But I heard very good review about it" "May be it's not for my kind!" "Do I have any other important (to be read as easier) work that is left pending?" "Oh I have lots of office work and I cannot concentrate on this now" These were the thoughts running through my mind during my struggle. I even dozed off sometimes. I saw myself literally fighting with it! It was a tough one.

On Saturday, I was able to sit with the book for a couple of hours at a stretch. I saw the book slowly giving up... I was able to relate to the characters, their character, the language, the flow... the descriptions beautifully rose from the book and enacted in the screen of my mind! I saw I finally won it! I was excited with my achievement and engrossed with the object of my conquest.

On Sunday I was totally with it, sparing a few hours for food and general chores. It was past midnight, the clock showing twelve-thirty five but I din't show any signs of keeping that book down until a pain due to strain started at my eyebrows and was slowly sinking into my eyes. I was still racing to finish atleast this paragraph... this page... this chapter... and it was
endless. It was then I slowly began to realize I was addicted!

A beautiful conquest silently made by the book, but with dignity! I did nothing but to smile at it. I saw no regrets but just a wonderful bond between us, just the two of us!

Expectations - a few thoughts!

Expectations give disappointments!

I've heard this manytimes and in many places!
mmm... Expectations! Expectations are logical derivations from the impression created by past experiences in a human mind. This is sometimes what we call knowledge... knowledge about somebody, something... mostly about the characteristics and behavior!

There are expectations everywhere... A manager is expected to control his team. A mom is expected to shower love on her child. A leader is expected to guide his followers. A friend is expected to stand by your side during trying times... even God is expected to love and protect all of us!

Expectations give rise to responsibilities. Responsibilities produce achievement and growth. Achievement and growth bloom to fulfillment and success! How important are expectations in our life!

Expectations are little tricky! They are formed from behaviors and they tend to shapeup/control the behavior inturn! Expectations are the base for code of conduct and duties! They may be universal- accepted by all. They may also be region specific, religion specific or even specific to individuals...

A mom might say "My child willnot do such a thing!" She is imposing a control on her child's actions... may be as simple as telling lies. She's trying to restrict her child from something that she considers incorrect.Even if the child is tempted to do that thing next time, it would refrain just to keep up to mom's expectations. For the child it is important to live to mom's expectation because it respects mom and her words!
Setting expectations implicitly controls the behavior of the other person. I've seen the general statement "This was expected of you" or even the "I know you will do like that" annoys many. It's again the judgement or stamping on the other's behavior that causes this discomfort. It interferes with their freedom.

The ground rule is that only if the other person respects our dominance or accepts our control over them will they tend to live upto our expectation. That inturn brings on us the duty to respect the other person's freedom and our limits while setting our expectations. If something is overlooked on this part, it is then that our expectations bring disappointments! Again, disappointments means either our perception was not right or we didnot pay attention to our limits!

Arguments...

It all started with suggestion on books... and we ended up debating on living and enjoying it!!

Alchemist suggests something about the way u enjoy life...ayn rand says about living.
u need to live to enjoy living...right?

ya... but all do live, dont we?

Live...we do...but as what??..as an object that breathes, eats, copulates, dies...decays??...what are our values by which we define that we live...how do u know that u live??...coz u feel u r body warm, coz u see the blood when cut, coz of any other reasons that are to do with physical stuff, rather than the mental.."thinking" i mean..

Values... are to be set. But that doesnot mean we donot live. Our life is defined by time. The fulfilment in living is defined by us - our goals, our values, our achievements and breath taking moments! And all do live, but many donot feel that they have lived cos they donot have the fulfilment... To get tat fulfilment, we need to enjoy every single moment of life...
I somehow feel "living" implicitly refers to "enjoying life"

Let's see how it goes further...